Tears of a Clown....

For the most part, I find it easy to be funny. Those of you who know me well, know that even in the face of most serious situations, I am not above making a joke. Those of you who do not know me, except by what you read in my little online diary we call a blog, I think that you may be able to tell that I am a funny guy. With all of this in mind, I must now apologize for the tone of this blog. At the present time I am not happy. Normally, I can muddle my way through an unhappy moment. I can usually find strength in humor. Some call it a mask, I call it strength. Whichever way you look at it, in times of stress or anger, I can be pretty funny. I am not too sure about finding humor when I am experiencing anguish, though. I have rarely dealt with complete devastation. I know that I have dealt with it, but I don't remember if I was able to laugh about it at the time. What I do know is that right now I am devastated. Completely. I also know that I am not laughing. I cannot even comprehend laughter right now. So..... What has me devastated? You will not believe what I am about to say, but.... I can't tell you. This is not a joke. I am not smiling grimly, thinking about the times before that I have set you up only to make you fall. I truly cannot discuss the issue that has me weeping as I type this. As I have done before, I will try to share some of what it is without revealing too much. I was told a secret. I can assure you that this was not a school girl (Bobby likes you...No WAY!!!!.... Yes WAY!!!! He told me at recess!!!!!) kind of secret. It was not an "I am not wearing any underwear" kind of secret either. This one was big. The kind of secret that, after it sinks in, you think to yourself, "Now why the fuck did you tell me that?" I am sorry for the language, but remember, I am not happy. No, I did not learn that my buddy is fooling around on his girlfriend with her best friend. I could only wish it was that. No, I did not learn the season finale to Heroes (that's a popular show, right?). I learned that a very close fiend of mine is in serious trouble. The kind of trouble that you cannot get away from without a few scars. He already has too many scars. Trust me, he's got plenty. He does not need any more. No, it is not a legal issue. No, it is not a murder that I am covering up. No crimes were committed, with the exception of the few public disturbance calls that will be made when I am done writing and am outside screaming at the top of my lungs to make the pain go away. Truth be told, the secret is one that I never wanted to hear. I am glad I did because it helped him to tell SOMEONE. He has been unable to tell anyone else. He chose me. For that, I am honored. Also, for that reason, I am going to kick his ass. Tomorrow, there will be a part two to this secret. There is a slight chance that it will make things better. It will make the secret one that is not so bad to know. This is what I am hoping for. I hope that part two will be a good secret. I am praying for it. Please join me in this. Just tell God that you read my blog and I told you to pray for a friend of mine. He'll know what you are talking about. He's been briefed.