Did you miss me? I'm baaaaaaaack.....

It has been a while since I last wrote. I feel as though I am slacking. Losing focus. Letting down my muse. I mean, here my muse has done so much to make me the writer that I have become, and there I am.... Not writing. Now, admittedly, the genius that is me cannot just spew forth the brilliance that is my writing at the drop of a hat. More often than not, inspiration is needed. There must be a catalyst. Am I trying to sit here and tell you people that nothing has inspired me of late? Have things been so uninteresting in my life that I have been driven to total silence? Truth be told.... No. Things have actually been quite interesting. A great deal of roller coaster occurrences. What are "roller coaster occurrences?" These are things that happen that mimic the fast-paced, up and down and side to side motion of a roller coaster. Sometimes you are laughing and enjoying yourself. Sometimes you are screaming at the top of your lungs and trying to remember where you keep the change of clothes because you just pissed yourself. Sometimes you are stoic and numb knowing what is just about to happen. All of these things happen during "roller coaster occurrences." Separate, they are enough to drive a sane person to lose their mind. Somehow, all together, they bring about a certain euphoria and level of peace that one cannot find anywhere else. At least, for most people. For myself, separate or together, I hate that shit. Never been a fan of roller coasters. This is not to say that I am your typical milquetoast/vanilla/boring old fat guy. I have my adventurous side. I can be dangerous. How many of you have captured a wild rattlesnake with your bare hands? Ever grabbed a Desert Hairy Scorpion by the tail to remove it from an area occupied by friends and family? I am going to guess that none of or very few of you have. I am not saying I am into boring and plain. I just hate roller coasters. All of them. When I first went on Space Mountain, I spent the entire time visualizing my head being removed by one of the low beams that I was flying past at 5000 mph. I was a hoot at Cedar Point. Oh, I went on damn near every freaking roller coaster that place offers simply because I was told that I was too chicken to do so. I was not too chicken. I went on them. Hated every Goddamn minute of it, though. I think the fascination with the death machines is overrated. Same way I feel that life's little ups and downs are overrated. The ups can be amazing. I have been riding a certain high, for instance, since Christmas time. One area of my life has proven to be very rewarding. Other parts, however, have been one disappointment after the other. I am quite tired of this. Do I want everything to go my way all of the time? Is that how I think life needs to, should and must be? Well, uhhhh, yeah!!!! Of Course!!!! What the Hell is wrong with you???

One more quick thought....

After finishing the last blog I just wrote, I was sitting on the back patio with a Pall Mall in one hand and my head in the other when a quote popped into my head. A quote that I have said to many who know me. Actually, if you have met and talked to me at all, I have probably said this one to you and for someone I know, it has never been more apropos than right at this very moment. I hope they get a chance to stop by and read it and as for the rest of you, keep it in your hearts as well for the times that it may just be the one thought that saves your life. Here it goes...

" I know what Burt is going through right now. It's the loneliest feeling in the world. It's like walking down a dark, empty street with only the sound of your footsteps. And all you have to do is knock on any door and say "If you let me in, I'll live the way YOU want me to live and I'll think the way YOU want me to think," and all of the blinds will go up. And all of the doors will be open. And you'll never be lonely, ever again. " -Henry Drummond (Spencer Tracy), Inherit the Wind

Words to live by, my dear friends. Words to live by. I love you all, so very much. Thank you for enriching my life in ways that I will never be able to repay you for. I hope these words will find a place in your heart. A place as important as the one they are kept in, in my heart.

I am a damn good writer... Guess that makes me a lover, not a fighter...

I find myself reading my own writing from time to time. When the e-mails have been checked and replied to, all MySpace silliness dispensed with, and all blogs written by others read, I like to go to my blogs for a good laugh or two. Maybe even for a cry. Many times for a cry. There are a few things that I have written that really stand out to me. A few of my ramblings that have truly impacted who I am and who I have become over the last 7 or 8 months. I have done a great deal of growing during this time and have discovered a great many things about myself that I thought were long gone. There are some things I thought had died inside of me that I have come to learn were merely comatose, waiting for the right moment to emerge. All of this aside, the one thing that has struck the biggest cord in me is my writing. Until Tuesday, June 26th, 2007 at 12:09am, I had not done a blog. I had never poured my feelings out and put them somewhere for the world to see. That first time was because I was feeling so very much emotion about a situation that I was experiencing I felt I had no choice. I had to get it out, one way or another. I found it therapeutic. I found it exciting. I started to write more. Familiar with the snowball effect? Something just keeps getting bigger and bigger as it rolls on and on... That is a fair description of what this forum has become for me. My stories range from the funny to the sad, short to the long, serious to the hilarious. Everything in between. I am so proud of some of them. Kind of ashamed of others. All of them have meaning. Some a lot more than others. They have all been interwoven by one common thread though. One thing has made them all come to fruition. What has done this? What has inspired all of you to laugh, cry, gag, and enjoy right along side of me? My Muse. I found my Muse that fateful night in June. What is my Muse? What is a Muse? Well, without going into a great deal of historical detail regarding the Greek legend of the Muse, suffice it to say that one's Muse is one's inspiration to create. Your muse may come in many forms. Human form. Animal form. Inanimate objects. Whatever. Doesn't matter. My Muse came to me and that was it. I was hooked. I have been unable to shake the need to write since then. I am glad I have not. Going back and reading, I have found so many treasures! So many wonderful words! "An Open Letter To The One Who Has My Heart" was truly a masterpiece, if I do say so myself. Raw and real. True feelings. Real emotion. Then there was "I knew it, dammit.... I knew it.... Oh.... I'm over it." The blog that has inspired a novel. Norman. Remember him? Still working on him. Not as easy as I thought it would be but he is there. Again, inspired by my Muse and written from the heart about having too many good days in a row. I will not soon forget the one entitled "Ooo...Ow...Ouch... I hate when I do that." This gem was written during a VERY difficult time for me and yet somehow, I managed to find some humor and put it into my writing. I also inspired one of the most incredible responses to any of the things I have ever written. None of you got to see the response as it was not public but I am compelled to share it with you now. The blog was based on an actual event. The person involved read what I wrote. The next day I got an e-mail with a picture in it and a few words. The picture was of this person's hand and a remote control. The words were simple but powerful. "We are ready if you are." Yeah, crying right now. Don't know what the Hell I am talking about? Go back and read it. You'll get it. Then I come across "Some Enchanted Evening..." Again, inspired by an actual event, I am whisked away when reading this one. Placed right in the very moment the connection that the blog refers to was made. It was so powerful. I recently got word that one reader felt the same way in a recent encounter they had. It was nice to hear. Then I come to my most recent writing. The one about "Goodbye." Such a sad word that came from such good intentions. It is a shortened and bastardized version of "God Be With You..." Yeah, I see how they got goodbye from that.... Anyway, as I re-read the "Goodbye" blog, I realized how much I hate goodbye. I am not talking about mild irritation. I mean hate. It is what has me crying right now. It is what is turning my stomach as I write. It is why I am struggling right now to finish this blog. Damn, I am a good writer. I even mess myself up with what I write...