To My Good Friend, I Say Goodbye....

It is rare in this life when you get to meet people like Matt Hill. This was a man who it will always be a pleasure to have known. Always had a smile. Always had something nice to say about anyone he knew or even didn't know. He was a gentle giant who could soothe even the meanest soul. Matt was a great friend and a dear member of the human race. He passed away just this past Saturday from complications with his testicular cancer that he had only recently been diagnosed with. One of those freak things that is not supposed to happen to someone so young. Not to someone I know. Not to someone with whom I shared a stage with more than once. Most memorably was West Side Story. Watching someone the size of Matt gracefully dancing across the stage was a sight to behold. He did it, though. With his patented smile all the way. Someone I double-dated with in High School is not supposed to die. Matt and I were taken to Sadie Hawkins with our respective dates back in the day. We got in trouble for getting up in rotation to check the score of the NCAA Championship Basketball game that was taking place the same night of the dance. We were at the Spaghetti Company on Mill Ave. in Tempe. I will never forget that even though that restaurant is no longer there. Even as I write this, I find it hard to get the words out that I want. How do you write about someone so magnanimous without over-simplifying their life? You can't. You just find strength and comfort in the fact that Matt was a very spiritual man dedicated to his religion and God and you know he is on a better plane of existence now. Matt, we may not have seen each other in a few years but I will never forget you. You touched my life in ways that few have. You taught me a lot. These lessons I will cherish and never let go unheeded. I know you are in a better place. God speed, my good friend, as you slip the surly bonds of earth. You are missed.

Seems Like Yesterday...

I know. I know. For a blog about my daughter turning 8 years old, the title is a tad cliche'. Nothing else fits exactly how I feel right at this very moment. So please, bear with the cliche' and come with me on a journey through the life of an amazing young girl. Vivian was born January 19, 2001. My little angel. She brought so much joy into my life the minute she was puked out. Now before you get upset at my choice of words, you must understand that she was actually pushed out during a puking jag by her mother. The doctor actually said the puking made it happen. It was funny and touching and beautiful all at once. There was only one moment when there was any panic about her health. A nurse said she was not responding to audio stimuli so they were concerned she could not hear. She, very quickly, corrected that thought when she started to respond just fine. I like to think it was a precursor to the many years of selective hearing that Vivian has mastered at her tender age. She was a good baby. Very regular about her feeding times. She slept well and hit all of her milestones either right on time or early. I do need to qualify the sleeping well part with the statement that she slept well when she was damn good and ready. If there was ANYTHING going on that might even be slightly interesting, she would not fall asleep. It did have to be quiet for her to fall asleep. Once asleep she slept like, well, a baby. She was a good smiler and was always ready to entertain. She had charm even as an infant. Her first words were "Wass dat?". She was so curious. Wanted to know what everything was. Her "what's that?" attitude carried all the way through to today. She is a very curious and alert child. Let's not forget, though, that curiosity killed the cat and she has had her share of close calls. Her curiosity with her own waste led to a few clean ups of the crib and surrounding walls. Her curiosity with animals and love of them has gotten her close to getting bit, scratched or torn apart on more than one occasion. It has also made her a bright, well-adjusted, smart little kid and I am proud of her for that. I have so much to be proud of when it comes to my little princess that I could fill up pages and pages. Literally. She is empathetic, smart, polite, cute, understanding, inquisitive and so on and so on... She blows me away. There are so many times I look at her and wonder what I did to deserve such a great kid. It makes me tear up when I think of how amazing she is and how close I came to missing this birthday. Vivian, baby, Daddy loves you. Always. Don't forget it, Miss V. You will always be my little punkinhead no matter what!!! I love you all the way to Pluto and back and then to infinity.....

Beating Yourself Hurts.... Let Someone Else Do It....

Okay, first of all let's get one thing straight. I am referring to beating yourself UP emotionally. Nothing else. And to be honest, I don't really recommend you let someone else do it to you. It just made for a snappy title. This blog is about the phenomena of torturing ourselves for our mistakes. It's something we all seem to do. Some, like myself, more than others. I am still slicing away at whatever dignity I have left for my recent transgressions and it is SO very hard not to. The nice thing is, I have friends that have my back. Friends who are there for me. People who keep telling me to stop the madness. Stop the torture. It is over and done. You must move on. Truth be told, I have moved on in so many ways. I really have. Certain aspects of what I had done no longer bother me due to the circumstances surrounding them. I can truly say that I am not beating myself up for many of my missteps and mistakes. There are just a few hangers on that are still getting at me. These mainly have to do with my attempts on my life. How selfish was I? How stupid was I being? Was what I had done worth that? The answers to these questions are simple: Very, Very, an NO!!! This is so painfully obvious and yet here I am still pondering it. I guess when you do something as stupid as what I did, you just find it hard to let it go. You are embarrassed. You are ashamed. I have wonderful people around me reminding me to stop with those feelings. It ain't easy. Not at all. Gotta be done, though.