"I Got The Music In Me..."

I am home. Well, sort of. I am out of the BHC and feeling safe. Feeling safer than I have in a very long time. Feeling better, too. I know I have made mistakes. I know there is a great deal of wreckage. I am prepared to fish or cut bait. "To err is human, to forgive is divine. " Beautifully said by Alexander Pope. Okay, so, anywho.... What am I writing about today? Well, lemme tell ya, at first, I was going to write Round Two of the Cuckoo's Nest. Had a lot more to add. More about fellow "inmates" and staff. Great stuff. Gonna hafta wait for a little bit. I also passed on an Open Letter I had written in the loony bin the first time. Good stuff. Breathtaking and heartfelt. One of my better direct letter's too someone and I was and am very proud of it. Soon Folks. Soon. While I was in activity/creativity therapy this last round, the song "Every Rose Has It's Thorn" and I was inspired to start a whole new music blog..... We had "the Peak" on in the room (my choice of course, LOVE YOU MONICA!!!) and it dawned on me how little I get to listen to music in there. Only a few select activity groups have music at all and one of them is relaxation group where they only play Ocean sounds which have been difficult for me to listen to since June. Knowing how how much music means to me y'all have to know the torture. It's so much a part of my everyday. Especially when I needed to think about a special someone. Some songs are just damn impossible to listen to. I listen anyway because I like knowing I can feel. No matter how hard the feelings are, at least they are true feelings. I spent so long lying and manipulating, I rarely knew what feeling was real and what was part of my imagination. Thing is, I could ALWAYS tell the emotions brought on by the music was real. True. A bit of reality in a sea of bullshit, for ya!! .... For instance.... "18th Floor Balcony" did so many things to me emotionionally you would think the overload of emotion would be intimidating. In fact, I am able to have a deep cleansing cry each time I hear this song. Helps me get rid of stuff I no longer need. A real tough one for me is "What a Good Boy." This song literally brings me to me knees. The words always made such clear sense to me and I was never able to identify woth a song more than that one. The lines, " I couldn't tell you I was wrong, ckickened out, took a pen and a paper, sat down and I wrote this song.... I couldn't tell you you were right, so instead I looked in the mirror, watched TV and laid awake all night..." reach me and touch me in ways that no other song has EVER been able to. This song is a tough one for me. A necessary one, but a tough one. The next song that draws emotion from deep inside is "Good Morning, Beautiful." Even though I no longer have someone to to say those words to everyday, I still find myself singing it everyday. No matter what. "Good morning, beautiful.... How was your night? Mine was wonderful with you by my side..." Such simple language. So hard to say. Billy Vera gets to me all of the time as well. "At This Moment" is one of those songs that is timeless and touching. He is saying that NO MATTER WHAT his woman has done, NO MATTER WHERE she is going, he could NEVER hate her. He loved her. His loved was real even if hers wasn't. A new twist on my music tastes. Since my recent suicide attempts, I have found myself gravitating towards music regarding that subject matter. Blink 182's "Adam's Song," with it's classic line... "Please tell Mom this is not her fault." Also Third Eye Blind. "Jumper." "Wish you would step back from that ledge my friend...." Great line. Great song. Hard, though. Added a rough song to my playlist. Pink Floyd's "One of my Turns." Kind of dark song. It helps to explain the dark place I go in my rough times. I isolate. I get terrible, dark, dangerous thoughts. Rather than allowing these dark thoughts to manifest, I have used lies and manipulationto quell the darkess. Probably always will. Always and forever. Poison. Period. Infinity. The End.