Back to the Drawing Board....

It is with heavy heart and tail tucked deep between my legs that I make the following announcement.... I am heading back to St. Luke's Behavioral Health Center tomorrow morning. Why? Well, suffice it to say I am not feeling safe out here in the real world. I have once again attempted, unsuccessfully, to end my life prematurely. This time with a buttload more ammunition and no walking. Still unsuccessful. Another failure to add to the list. The funny thing about this one is that it was relatively impromptu. One minute I was sitting on the phone with my Mom discussing my future as a writer and the next minute I was swallowing enough muscle relaxers and sleeping pills to fell a horse. It was, again, not enough. Makes me scared if I ever go back to drinking. My tolerance has grown exponentially in my years of sobriety. Another good reason to stay away from the bottle. Anywho, it was once again pointed out to me that I have a purpose on this planet. God, Jehovah, Yahweh, or whatever you choose to call him is not letting me take matters into my own hands. So, why am I going into BHC after the fact? I do not feel safe. Plain and simple. If I was allowed to roam around one day more, I am afraid I would just try again. I need serious help. The kind of help I can find in the safety of the BHC walls. You see, the problem is, I don't want to die.... but I don't want to live either.... Figure that one out. When you do, give a hint as to what the fuck it's about. I can partially explain it this way. I knew that I would find some forgiveness out of the wreckage I left behind. I knew those closest to me would forgive me. They did. It is this forgiveness that I cannot live with. I also knew that others very close to me would not readily forgive if at all. It is this forgiveness that I cannot live without. "Aye, there is the rub...." This is just a glimpse into the dark recesses of my distorted mind. A peek at the machinations of a bi-polar freak's brain. I am NOT asking for an outpouring of sympathy. I am NOT seeking undue attention. I am just informing anyone who cares for two reasons. Number one, so you can see that if you or anyone around you suffers in the darkness that is bi-polar/clinical depression that you need to make sure you/they are safe. Recognize the signs. Listen to the cries for help. Number two.... I need your prayers. If prayer is your thing. If not, send me some good thoughts telepathically. I need the thoughts and prayers, people. I am scared shitless. I am worried that there is no hope/cure for me. I am truly frightened. I know that for some of you that read this, prayer and good wishes are the farthest things from your mind when it comes to me. I have hurt you too deeply to deserve anything positive. You actually wish I would have been successful on one of the attempts. That is fine. Feel that way. Keep it to yourselves, though. It does neither of us any good if you send the hate my way. Okay, so thank you for listening. I shall be incommunicado for a little while. I hope I come out on the other side the better man I want to be. Thank you in advance for the prayers and thoughts. It means more than you will ever know!!!