Has Anyone Seen My Muse....?

It's strange. I have not written anything in quite some time. The strange part? I have had nothing to write about. There was a time when these babies used to come flowing out of me like lava from a volcano and now I can't find anything to write about that seems to be worth a damn. Not like I'm not trying either. I really am. I think the problem is I am censoring myself too much. I keep thinking of topics and then I decide not to write about them for fear of criticism, judgement or hate mail. Either way, I know I should not be doing this. This blog is a means for me to let go of thoughts and feelings that I may be having. It's supposed to be a way for me to vent my frustrations. Talk about my feelings. Expose the soft under belly of my emotions, and yet here I sit. In constant fear that what I say may be taken the wrong way or may offend someone. When did I start caring what you people thought? Wait, that sounded bad. I have always cared what you thought. I just never cared if it offended or upset someone. I had to write my feelings and lately I have just not been doing this. I find it hard to write about these deep feelings that torment or bother me. I never used to. It's as if I have lost my muse or if my muse is taking a vacation. Either way, I wish it would come back. For your sake AND mine. I thought my muse was a person or tangible object until I was in the Loony Bin for a stretch. I learned in there that my muse was something else. Something intangible. Something spiritual. Perhaps the medications I have been on are suppressing my muse. Perhaps it's there, just trapped in some sort of strange Machiavellian, mental prison. The only release can come from within me. I suppose stopping the medication might help but I would really rather not risk that. I do believe that the medicines I am taking are helping me in ways that I cannot explain. The medicine coupled with a newly formed relationship with AA. I am not divulging any secrets when I say that I am a member of AA. What may be of interest to many of you is that after I got sober the first time around, I stopped going to meetings when I thought I had the disease licked. Turns out the disease can manifest itself in many other ways besides just a need for drinking. The disease is about ego. It's about control. It's about pride. It's about dishonesty. All of which I struggled with during my "sober" period. I put quotations around sober because I was not working a sober program during this time. I had not done the steps. I had not lived the program. I did not have a higher power that I turned my will and my life over to for taking proper care. I have this now. I think I am a different man than I was as little as 3 months ago. I know I am a different man than I was 1 year ago. This is a very liberating feeling. Having a sponsor, working the steps, living the program and staying sober are all things that have made me a better man. I am still far from perfect. I am still far from even being really good. I just know that I have learned from my mistakes and am doing what it takes to be that better man. It just sucks that I am doing it with out my muse. Gotta find it. I really do.