Ya know, some days are just better than others....

I keep getting told that I will get through this. I am constantly reminded that it's a lot of work. I am reminded daily that once I am better, things will get better with all of the other people in my life. Today is one of those days that I just have a real hard time believing all of that. Have my little girl with me today. Even reached out to someone for some help. Someone who was part of my wreckage and they helped. Went to a great AA meeting. Going to the movies. Madagascar 2. So why am I crying? It's so damn hard to type right now. I can't even see the keyboard. I know that this is supposed to have something to do with my condition. Chemical imbalance and all. Just doesn't seem fair. Doesn't seem right that when things are all lined up, there always has to be that one thing that won't line up. It becomes an obsession. Much like the obsession of the alcoholic who wants to be able to drink like his fellow man. The Bi-Polar just wants to have a normal day. No medication. No ups and down. No uncontrolled crying over iCarly episodes. Then you add this damn music play list and I cannot keep it together. I guess the crying is supposed to be okay. In the loony bin, I had a Therapist, Lisa, who pointed out that, "...we have tear ducts for a reason..." Thanks, Lisa, but I think you can take your tear ducts and shove them up your ass. I am tired. Tired of crying. Tired of regretting. Tired of apologizing. Tired of missing someone. Tired of explaining. Tired of begging. Tired of being tired. In AA, we say that when someone has finally hit their bottom, they are sick and tired of being sick and tired. Well, I bottomed out a while ago and I am still sick and tired. I am not sick now, though. I am just tired. I want to be honest with you folks, because it has to happen for me to try to heal but I don't know that I have enough left to keep it up. Is this a cry for help? I, sure as Hell, hope not. Am I just venting? I, sure as Hell, hope so. Whatever it is, I know that I am going to need a new keyboard VERY soon. I am drenching this one. Especially since 3 am just came on. I'm sorry to sound so fucking weepy. I know that there are those who see it as a sign of weakness. In a way, I agree. I am weak. Takes a man to admit that, though. These fuckers out there who puff out their chests and try to convince themselves they have it together when they can't even keep their lives in order sicken me. Ooooooooo. That just made me smile knowing I know someone like that who is the biggest LOSER I know (that was the comment he left on my blog a few weeks ago so I am publicly returning the favor). Takes a REAL man to anonymously insult someone who just got out of a mental health facility. Not saying I know who it was but I sure hope they read this. Boy, do I ever. Oh man..... I feel better already. I am sure the tears will continue today but at least I can bring a smile back each time I think of this guy standing at the top of his own little hill...... all by himself.