I am sure all of you readers remember the episodes of Scooby-Doo that we used to watch after school. It always ended with the gang catching the bad guy and he would inevitably utter the words in the title. Well, the title for this blog is not directed towards that gang (mmmmmmmm Daphne). The title here actually refers to one kid. My kid. I know that somewhere in the back of my disturbed and rattled and confused brain, one of the main reasons I am here is because of my beautiful baby girl Vivian. Since the two attempts on my life, my time spent with her has been SO amaZing. She is getting so big. She is growing up so fast right in front of my very eyes. I don't like it one bit. Sort of. On one hand, it is awesome seeing this little girl turn into a little person knowing that in just a few short years, she will turn into a full grown woman. On her own and taking over the world. On the other hand, she is also going from this little girl who thought I hung the starts and the moon to this mouthy, independent, head-strong, snot-ball and she will soon become a terrible teen and then who knows what from there. The dichotomy is astounding. No matter what, I am going to love her. I know unconditional love between parents and children. I have experienced it from mine. Instead of turning their backs on me on MORE than one occasion when they could and should have, they chose to love me and make make sure I knew they did. Especially with my recent attempts. A lot of parents would say, "Well, you gave up on you. Why shouldn't we?" Not mine. Mine were at the loony bin every day. Whether I wanted them to be or not. The old man even endured 2 family counseling sessions which I am sure he only heard about 1/4 of but he was there. Grandma couldn't make to the second one as she was in Canada with another family member who has NEVER flinched in her support, my Aunt Nancy. Add in my brother Chris, my half-brother Donny, my friends Todd and Brian and Layne, and you have a group of DARN kids that are among the other reasons I am here. I have received a great deal of support from many friends of old who have not seen what has happened to me in recent years. How my sobriety affected me in negative ways because I never followed the AA program the way it was intended, thus leading to the manifestation of other negative behaviors borne of Bi-Polar II disorder and a serious case of narcissism. No matter, they still sent their well wishes and they were amaZing. It is what is keeping me going. For those of you who I did hurt recently, I am officially asking for forgiveness. I am not asking you to play with me again. There are plenty of sandboxes out there for us to play in. I just want to know that you understand my intention came from a good place. Unfortunately, the road to Hell is truly paved with good intentions. I do not know what the future holds for Vivian. For me. For any of us. All we can do, in the immortal words of Elton John, from the song Empty Garden (on my play list btw), "...who weeded out the tears and grew a good crop."
P.S. Back into the meeting rooms of AA again. Just got my 30 day chip. If I can keep some continuous SOBRIETY, the 30 day chip belongs to Vivian. My 24 hour chip is reserved. That person will get it when they least expect it. I know that we are supposed to hold onto these if we feel we need to as a reminder. I will be getting so many more chips in the future, I want the first 2 most important 2 to go to the 2 most important people in my life. Just wanted y'all to know this tidbit of info. I am back in the rooms and doing the steps right this time. I feel better, too!!!
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