The Year In Review..... Yeah Right!!!!

I cannot, in good conscience, bore and/or depress the Hell out of you people by doing a review of my experiences during the year of our Lord, 2008. I will, however, proselytize on some of the high and low times. This way I can discuss what I have learned, make you smile and maybe, just maybe, make you think. The year was marked with a great deal of turmoil. Amidst the turmoil, though, I managed to have some of the best times with Vivian that I think I have ever had. I cannot even count how many wonderful hikes we went on where we just zoned out and tuned into nature together. We had so many wonderful hikes in Usery Mountain Park where we identified animal tracks and examined poop!! My delicate little "Fashion Queen" telling me the difference between coyote and dog poop is a memory I will have for a very long time. Watching her grow and blossom over this last year has caused my head to spin on many occasions. The fart noises, the tickle tortures, the fashion shows, the dancing/singing concerts, the walks, the hikes.... All of it was just so incredible. Showing her a centipede for the first time and watching her perform in her 2nd Grade play were 2 highlights I won't soon forget. She is such an amazing spirit. She is such an attitude queen. She is her Father's Daughter. In addition to the wonderful and plentiful memories of Vivian over the last year, there were also some personal lows that I experienced. Up to and including my attempts at taking my own life. These were lows, yes. They were VERY dark times in my life that were the end result of a lot of dishonesty and poor self-esteem. The positive? Is there any? Yes. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about those around me. I learned a lot about those closest to me. I learned that I need to love myself before I can even pretend to love someone else. This includes family and friends. I have always liked myself. Just never learned to love me. I am learning. One Day At A Time. It's hard to love yourself when you are not the person you think you should be. The fact is, you have to find a way to love yourself unconditionally. I am learning to do this by modeling my self-love (sounds kinky) after the unconditional love I have for my daughter (not so kinky). I am having to teach myself this skill. It should be second nature, like breathing. I am getting there. I started by remaining positive over the Christmas season. I continue to do it by losing more weight and eating healthier. It's amazing what a drop in jean sizes can do for the old self-love. I learned over this past year that when all is said and done, you only have yourself to blame when things go bad. You make certain choices and you must accept the choices you have made. Accepting the choices means accepting the outcome and then, moving on. It has been a wild ride of a year for me. Too many ups and downs to count and recount. Suffice it to say, it has been a pivotal year in my life and I look forward to what 2009 has in store. I hope you are all able to reflect with a smile on at least some part of your past year and are especially able to look as forward as I am to the next!!! Happy New Year!!!!

Is It Over Yet....?

Christmas is over. Wow. Even as I type those few words, I realize how very sad the statement is. It's all over for another year and we are to go right into making resolutions and celebrating the passing of one year and welcome a New Year. I don't know if I am ready for it to be over yet. I made a promise to myself that I was going to avoid my usual "Bah Humbug" attitude and not be a grinch this year and I fulfilled that promise. I did it despite others around me and not around me trying very hard to drag me down. There was a lot of terrible news and incidents that took place around the country this year, including some local, that made it hard to see the Christmas Spirit at work. I looked far and wide and I looked right in my own backyard for that Spirit and although it was hard, at times, I found it. I found it in my daughter's smile. Amazing, huh? Something so small. Yet bigger than life itself. I also found it in the fact that I continued my quest for better health and instead of gaining weight over the holidays, I lost more. The 38's are starting to get too loose now. May be down to a 36 by the end of the month, God willing. I stayed sober over the holidays. Been able to do it in past years but somehow, this year seemed sweeter. I managed to move on. From so many things. All of these reasons showed me the Spirit. They helped me stay positive in this time that for so long was a negative time for me. A time that very well could have been negative this time around due to recent events in my life. I didn't let it get negative, though. That is the embodiment of the Spirit right there if you ask me!!!!!

Merry Christmas!!

Just wanted to take a short minute and wish EVERYONE who reads my words a Merry Christmas. Regardless of who you are, how you came to read my writing, whether you like me or not. I want you all to have a Merry Christmas. It is great that this is the one time of year that I can say something to everyone, no matter who they are, and mean it. Most of my writing effects just a few people or is directed at a segment of readers who I am trying to reach but this short note goes out to all. Every last one of you. I know I plan to have a great Christmas. It will be hectic with trying desperately to coordinate schedules and be with which family members at whose house at what time but I will be busy making the best of it with a smile on my face. I have to. I am lucky to be around this Christmas. I almost wasn't. I have so much to be thankful for that I am going to make this year a Grinch free Christmas. And in doing so for myself, I am going to wish the same for everyone else. People, love the ones around you. Thank God for the season. Celebrate the birth of Our Saviour with vim and vigor. Love those who can't be around you. Love those who have done wrong. They need it, too. This is the time of year when we can put aside our differences for just a few minutes and wish someone a Merry Christmas that we may not have otherwise. It's time, people. This is the time. If the Reason for the Season has taught us anything, it is that "To err is human, to forgive is divine." This does not wipe the slate clean for those we have done wrong to or who have wronged us. It just gives us a moment to put aside the wrongs and give a healthy, hearty Merry Christmas to those who could really use it. Sinners gots feelin's, too. Okay, I have rambled enough. I was just going to say Merry Christmas and I ended up preaching. Well, you know me. Merry Christmas to all. Please enjoy your Holidays. Please enjoy your families and friends. Please enjoy the giving and the receiving. Please enjoy the Reason for the Season!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

More Wisdom From A Wise Man....

I certainly hope you did not assume that I was speaking about myself in the title. I am "Trivial Pursuit" smart. I know my English. Been down a few roads, but I ain't no WISE MAN..... I thank you for thinking of me that way but, alas, I am speaking of Spencer Tracy. Actually, his character in "Inherit the Wind," Henry Drummond, gave us the wisdom I am about to impart. So, I guess that means the screenwriter should actually get the credit...... Aw, to Hell with it..... Spencer said it, so deal with it. He was asked by his friend why they had grown apart after all of the years. How had he strayed so far from the friendship? His response was classic, timeless and very wise. He stated, "Perhaps it is you, my friend, who has moved away by standing still." Pearls people. This is what I am all about. Now, I know you are wondering what this has to do with the price of tea in China... Well, if you read my most recent blog, you read a touching take on moving on. The final thought was about moving forward and how it cannot be achieved by standing still. Still wondering where I am going with this? It's okay. I am too. I gotta be honest with y'all, when I started this I was fairly certain I had a direction... Let me see.... What was I thinking...? Expounding on the standing still vs. moving forward..... Oh, okay!!!! I know!!!! How can you move forward when something always seems to take you a step or two back. It can be something you have control over or not. Whatever it is, it impedes your progress. Just when you thought you were ready to start the race, you get pulled back. Someone grabs the back of your shirt and yanks you off the starting line. Seemingly for no reason whatsoever. It's weird, isn't it? Always seems to happen that way. Another thing happens when you are trying to take those first few steps and get going. You look around you and see everything else moving so goddamn fast you wonder how you will ever keep up. You become almost discouraged. Afraid to start. Feeling like things are so stacked against you why even take the first step. You will only get passed up. Or fall down. Or get pulled off the track by something. It's hard to move forward. So very hard. You just have to do it. It's part of life. You have to let someone or something pull you off the starting point just to humble you now and then. The key is to shake it off and get going. You cannot worry about all of the other influences around you being faster. They are going to be. There always is someone or something faster than you. Simple as that. I was watching Vivian play with a friend of hers today. I had climbed a tree at the park while she and her friend were planting pine cones and it slapped me like a ton of bricks.... She is moving so much faster than me. I was reminded of an amaZing poem that I had committed to memory and would like to share with you.

"Nature's first green is gold.

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's aflower,

but only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf,

so Eden sank to grief.

So dawn goes down to gray.

Nothing gold can stay.

- Robert Frost

This poem reminds us that life moves fast. We have to realize that every moment is precious but it moves quick. Savor it, but keep in mind that we must keep moving. Life is life. We have to live it on life's terms. Not ours. When we start thinking we can beat this thing called life, we will lose every time. We can watch it speed by but we need to do so as we are running. Not standing still. Standing still gets us nowhere. Literally. Let them pull on your shirt. Let them pass you by. "Slow and steady wins the race." Words to live by, my dear friends. Words to live by.

THEY Say, "Easy Come, Easy Go..." I Say Bullshit!!

Am I alone in my thinking here, folks? It just seems to me that there are situations in your life that come along easily. They may come easily but they are often the hardest to let go of and move on. Why is this? I think I have narrowed it down to 3 reasons why this may seem to be the case. I want to analyze them now. The first being the lazy factor. When a situation arises in your life that has required little to no effort on your part, it's kinda cool. Then it goes away and you worry it may never happen again. The converse of this is when it comes easy and then goes, you worry that because you did not have to earn the situation, you lost it because you didn't have to work for it. The third reason is just that letting go is always hard to do no matter what. This reason being, in my opinion, the most controversial. Let's discuss the lazy factor. I will use a metaphor to explain this one. A person is sitting around doing nothing of consequence when they get a phone call saying they won a prize. No effort. Just a random thing. They claim the prize and find that it is the most useful, helpful, and special prize they have ever gotten. Soon, though, they break it. Irreplaceable. Never get another. That has got to hurt. That has to be so intensely heartbreaking. You had it. You didn't expect or ask for it. You loved it. Then ya done gone and broke it. I would think that makes it VERY hard to let go. It came in without your doing and went out because of your doing. Oh sure, it was an accident. You don't regret it. It just happened that way. But letting go..... Not easy at all. In the second situation, you actually worked very hard at obtaining it. We can use the prize analogy again. You were diligent. Labored and sweat to make sure you won the prize. You win!! Was the winning by sheer tenacity enough to sustain your pleasure regardless of the outcome? What if you broke it? Hey, at least you tried? Is that the case or would it be devastating because you worked so hard? I would imagine anything worth working for would be hard to let go. The third situation is that letting go is always hard to do and you just need to accept that. I see a great deal of controversy here because letting go can be very easy and very cleansing, at times. Sometimes letting go is the best thing that can happen for you. It's not ALWAYS hard. The key to any kind of letting go is keeping your regrets in check. Let me repeat that. The key to letting go is keeping the regrets in check. You will have regrets. We all do. You just need to make sure that you do not allow them to consume you. No matter how hard it is to let something go, we MUST ensure we are letting go for the right reasons. Not to erase the regret, but to embrace it. Accept what you have done or not done and move on. It is the only sure fire way let go, absolutely. With this letting go comes forward progress, which should be the ultimate goal in all of our lives. It should go without saying that you can't get very far by standing still.

Is It Just Me.....

Well, I got it. I finally got it. The Flu. I think. It was no cold. I know a cold. What had me on my ass for two straight days, barley able to get out of bed had to be the dreaded Flu. You know, that illness you go and get a shot to prevent you from getting it. Never got one of them things. Never thought I needed it. Never had anyone just ask if I wanted one. Never imagined I would want one. Until this year. Three months ago I was asked during a routine office visit with the doctor. The nurse was tending to several other ailments and had me well distracted as she asked if I wanted a Flu shot. I was smack dab in the middle of a breathing test that I almost passed out from so I thought I would just err on the side of caution since I knew my health has been compromised of late. She stuck me and sent me on my way. I have always heard that they are injecting you with a mild strain of the virus that is supposed to protect you from getting the bad one. With this knowledge, I braced myself for some flu-like symptoms and maybe a little bout with the bug. Nada. Zilch. Zip. For three freakin' months. I don't think it would take three months for that shot to make it's way through my body. No fat jokes here folks, remember, I am not as big as I used to be. I think I just full on got me that flu. Don't know from whom. Can't figure from where. I just know that for the previous years that I have gone without this miracle shot, I managed to make it through each "flu season" without being a notch on it's proverbial head post. The year I decide to get the shot, I become Flu's bitch. Back-ache, lethargy, difficulty breathing, sore head, sore throat.... The whole works. It has been awful. I am slowly coming out of it. Just a little bit at a time. The symptoms seem to be dissipating one at a time on their own schedule. They all hit me at once. Now they gotta leave slowly and one at a time. That just figures. I can almost hear them laughing as they exit this way. "Okay.... heh heh.... now you go sore throat....heh heh.... but walk reeeeaaaaaallll sloooooooowwww.......heh heh....... Now, after sore throat leaves, lethargy, you wait 3 hours and then you sloooooowwwwwlllllyyyyy make your way out....heh heh...." Bastards!!!!! I can hear you!!!!!! Oh great, now I am talking to my symptoms..... Is that a symptom? Either way. I am sitting here typing to you now and telling you to rest assured, there is one man who will NOT be getting a Flu shot next year. Yes, you guessed it. Me. No way. No how. I will take my chances.

Kids..... You Know I Love 'Em......

I keep getting reminded that Vivian is just a few years away from 13. In a month and 5 days, she will be exactly 5 years from this milestone. I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you who feel the need to remind me of this. Reminding me that when she hits 13, all Hell breaks loose. Literally. She will be overtaken by some kind of demon and no longer be my sweet little girl. Have you people forgotten that I taught Jr. High School? I know how these things work. I am already aware of the transformation that takes place in our children. Granted, my own child will be that nightmare times 1000, but I do not need the reminders. I am given little reminders and clues all of the time as to what is in store for me. I have been getting them for years. Let me explain. When she was just a tiny baby on up to a year old, I remember thinking, "I cannot wait until she can walk on her own." I thought how much less tired my arms would be. How great it would be to have her walk with me. Watching her walk to her Kindergarten class. I remember thinking this stuff. Then she could walk. Non-stop chasing her around the house. Running off too far ahead in a busy parking lot and scaring the shit out of me. Walking just far enough ahead, on purpose, at a crowded event to where I go into panic mode and give myself a coronary worrying about her. They all said when she was little and I wanted her to walk that I should be careful what I wish for.... Yeah.... Bite me!!! Then there was the excitement of her first words. The first thing I remember her saying coherently is "Wass dat?" She has not stopped asking questions since...... "Are chicken fingers really made from chicken's fingers, why are you so hairy, Daddy, why is Pluto not a planet anymore, what if a shark got into Grandma and Papa's pool, can McKenna play, why are you crying? Question after question. If I had known what came with the ability to talk, I would have not taught her English. Maybe Greek. Then, with the talking, there is also the advent and perfection of the negative response.... No, Not Fair, Never, Nope, Not Now, Now, Never mind. Ah, the long lost days of screaming and crying as a way to communicate. I really think I miss it. There was usually a reason for it and it could be taken care of. Now SHE has the answer for everything and I am the one crying and screaming. I remember getting so excited when you could actually see the voice recognition on her face when Daddy came into the room. Now I can't get her to recognize my voice at any volume level. To her, I am not only speaking a different language, but I am also saying it so quietly she cannot hear a word I say. It seems that things have gotten lost in translation. No means yes. Maybe means definitely. Now means whenever you get around to it. Please means....well, nothing. It is with all of this in mind that I say to you now, I have no expectations one way or the other for my little angel when she turns 13. If I expect the best, she will ensure that is not what happens. If I batten down the hatches for the worst, she will be the exception to the rule and not be all that bad. That is what I have learned. I have also learned that the sound of her laughing makes my heart smile. When she says "I Love You, Daddy," I melt away. I learned that she will always push her boundaries. That is how she grows. She is growing so freakin' fast. I think that is why all of the reminders of the fast approaching teen years get on my nerves. It's not that I don't want her to become 13. It's that I don't want her to grow up. It is all happening waaaaaayyyyy too fast. I know she has to. I know she wants to. I guess the good thing about that is that at least one of us will grow up. God knows I haven't yet.