I thought you meant Miranda Richardson.....Dammit!!!! Oh well.....

So, I spent yesterday doing something I never imagined I would do.... No, I did not spend all day at an S & M day camp learning all of the uses for a bondage mask and a cat-of-nine-tails..... I can truly imagine myself doing that......Hmmmmmmm.... Note to self, check on day camps for adults only. Anywho..... That is not what I was doing. At approximately 2:30pm, I found myself at the Best Buy store in Phoenix. Not just any part of Phoenix. Oh no. Had to be Deer Valley. 35 miles from my humble abode. Vivian and Grandma in tow. Now, either I really wanted a big screen that only that particular Best Buy had or I carted my ample ass all that way to ensure my sweet daughter's chance to meet Miranda Cosgrove in person. I know what you are asking. "Who the HELL is Miranda Cosgrove?" First of all, shame on you if you have kids and don't know who she is. SHAME, SHAME, SHAME!!!!! Second of all, does it matter? Really? I mean, seriously, if your child wanted to meet someone and get an autograph from them at a Best Buy, would it matter what their battery of work included? It just so happens that I do know Miranda Cosgrove and her battery of work because I watch TV with my kid. I find Vivian's shows a refreshing break from the A&E, Discovery Channel, and History Channel programs I tend to navigate towards. Miranda Cosgrove happens to be the star of "iCarly" on Nickelodeon. It's a cute show about a young girl who lives with her older brother and, along with her 2 best friends, produces her own Web show called iCarly. Vivian loves the show, and to be honest, I kinda like it too. Yesterday, as I was waiting for Vivian and her Grandma to return from a birthday party, I noticed in the Arts section of the paper that Miranda herself would be appearing at the aforementioned Best Buy signing copies of her new CD (she sings too!!!!). Well, I knew there would be a line. I anticipated that. I brought water bottles and Grandma. Water to hydrate, Grandma for smoke breaks. What I did not anticipate was the 1,497 other people that would be showing up to get an autograph as well. I also neglected to anticipate that only the first 500 would be guaranteed a chance to get anything. We were numbers 508, 509 and 510 in line. I could spend the better part of 6 or 7 hours typing all of the intricate, gory, exciting and terrifying details of the 5 hours we spent in the line but I will spare you. Believe me, I am sparing you. Suffice it to say, Vivian got to give Miranda the picture she drew for her and get her poster signed. I, myself, got her to sign 2 additional CD's and got a few pictures myself. I have a feeling I know what you people are thinking. You are wondering to yourselves why I am telling you this if I have no intention of bitching and moaning and including you in my private Hell. It's simple, really. IT IS NOT ABOUT ME!!!!!!!!! The amount of stress, struggle, anguish and annoyance I had to endure is inconsequential compared to the joy that Vivian got to experience. The fact that she gets to go to school in the Fall telling all that she met iCarly is more important than the bullshit Granny and I had to deal with. It is that simple. When you are a parent, there are times when you have to say, "FUCK IT!!!!!" Endure the pain. Suck it up. No matter what. It's your baby/babies. They may not appreciate it now. They may not appreciate it 10 years from now. They may never appreciate it. To Your Face. Inside those bodies of theirs though, they will know what you have done for them. Inside of those heads, they will always remember the sacrifices made, the things done, the lines waited in, the concerts/recitals/ball games gone to. If they don't or if they can't, there is nothing you can do about it but spend your life knowing you did all you could. Chances are, they will know. Hold out for it. The payoff is well worth it. At least, I hope it is.

C'mon.....Everyone is doing it.......Just try it..... What are you, a chicken?

"Do unto others as you would have done unto you." - The Golden Rule....




Well, it's a phrase we are all familiar with. What you folks may not know is that this simple phrase is a basic teaching that permeates every single major religion in our world. Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, Baha'i Faith, Taoism, and Satanism (yes, Satanism, albeit their version states "Do unto others as they have done unto you" but hey, it's a start....). All of these religions have their own version of this rule but the general idea is the same. Treat people how you want to be treated. Be nice to people if you want people to be nice to you. Do good things for folks if you want folks to do good things for you. Seems pretty simple, eh? Yeah.... Sure it does.... So why is it so hard for people to live by this? Including myself? It seems like such a simple thing. Such an easy way to live through each day. Bullshit!!!! It's not easy. Wanna know why (don't make me say it......you are gonna make me say it aren't you...)? Too bad!!!! I am telling you anyway!!!!!
The reasons we find it so hard to live by this simple parable are as easy to understand as the parable itself. There are a few reasons and I will spell them out clearly as though I am expecting a solution. I am not, though. Expecting a solution. That is not what I am about. Solutions. I am all about causing the problems. Bringing them forward and letting y'all mull them over in your little worlds. Hoping with all of my heart that you will find a solution for me. Okay, here we go..... First problem is that the boundaries are not clearly defined, therefore they are left up to interpretation. Dammit!!!! I have a huge ass pimple behind my ear and now I have one on my chin that hurts like a mother fu.....Uhhhh nevermind...... Interpretation. That is where I left off, that is where I shall return now. If you look at the basic rule, there are no real parameters. Do unto OTHERS. What others? All others? Just family others? Just religious others? Just racial others? If you think about, I mean REALLY think about it, you will see that this is the very root of why this is seemingly so difficult to live by! So many people twist and use this rule to their own advantage and agenda. The Nation Of Islam is supposed to be a pure form of Islam where this parable is taught and yet they hate Jews and call white folk the "white devil." Christians preach this all of the time and yet look at the persecution of other religions throughout the centuries. Not real familiar with any hatred from the Taoists, Baha'i people, or the Buddhists but I bet if I search long and hard enough, I'd find some.....heh heh.... I said long and hard....heh heh..... Anywho..... With this lack of definitive borders, extremists have taken this phrase and turned it into a mantra for isolationism. It's okay not to follow this rule if the other guy ain't one of us! That really sucks. I think. Another reason why this is so hard to follow is basic human nature. I am going to quote one of my favorite movies again to explain this. In "The Untouchables," Robert DeNiro, playing Al Capone, says, "...if you steal from me, I'm gonna say you stole, not have you arrested for spittin' on da sidewalk...." Uhhhhhh what? How does this lead to The Golden Rule and human nature? Simple really. If somebody treats us like crap, we want to call them out. We want to return the favor, or lack thereof. So often it happens, we start our day off at Starbucks, McDonald's or some Quickie Mart and the person who takes care of us just puts us off. They were rude, they screwed up our order, they looked at us funny. Whatever the reason, we are now grumpy. As a result, we take this grumpiness with us to our next destination. Be it work, school, or whatever it is you people do during the day. Whatever it is, you now take your bad attitude and pass it along... Etc.... etc.... and so on.... ad infinitum. Even if you started the day with the best of intentions, one pimply-faced, snot-nosed, mean-spirited Barista from Hell has now caused you to pay the shittiness forward. That really sucks, too. There are , I am quite sure, many other colorful reasons why it is so hard for us to abide by the Golden Rule, and with the cynical mood I am in, I would love to bring them up, but I have to be honest with y'all..... This pimple on my chin is really pissin' me off and I don't want to be angry towards anyone tomorrow so I must end now. I am going to make the world a better place by popping my little problem right now!!!!!!

What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy?

"A man becomes preeminent, he's expected to have enthusiasms. Enthusiasms... What are mine? What draws my admiration? What is that which gives me joy? Baseball! A man stands alone at the plate. This is the time for what? For individual achievement. There he stands alone. But in the field, what? Part of a team. Teamwork.... Looks, throws, catches, hustles.Part of one big team. Bats himself the live-long day, Babe Ruth, Ty Cobb, and so on. If his team don't field... what is he? You follow me? No one. Sunny day, the stands are full of fans. What does he have to say? I'm goin' out there for myself. But... I get nowhere unless the team wins."


-Robert De Niro as Al Capone in "The Untouchables"





Okay, I will admit it. The above quote is a tad bit grim if you have ever seen the movie "The Untouchables." In the scene, Robert De Niro brilliantly plays Al Capone as he is addressing his top commanders in his organization. The above speech is given just before he takes a baseball bat to the back of the head of one of said commanders for screwing something up. It is a gruesome scene with a disgusting fade but the speech is GREAT!!!! I chose two of the lines from the speech for the title of this blog so that is why I felt it was almost mandatory to include the entire speech in deference to Mr. De Niro. Truth be told, the blog is actually going to be full of happiness and wonderful images of things that make me happy. I suppose since this blog will be about a few of my favorite things, I could have used a sweet and sappy quote from the Sound Of Music to lead things off..... Naaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!! Y'all know me better than that. It just wouldn't be like me. I may be a happier, stronger, and less cynical man than I was a year ago but I still have my rough edges. I can still be a bad ass and a rebel..... Well, kinda...... Anywho...... This blog is going to be about two things that make me smile. I mean ear to ear smiling. I mean smiling that just won't go away. Heart smile material. The first smile causer is the laughter of a child....Specifically my child..... The other smile causer is the love of a good woman... No specifics on this one because I said so.....
So most of you know I have a 7 year old daughter by the name of Vivian. If you are reading this on my blogspot website you have seen her picture when you first get here. She is the pretty little girl kissing me under the title "Me and My World." That is just what she is to me. My world. There are too many things about her that make her my world to go into detail on all of them. I can tell you this, though. Her smile and laughter are the 2 things that catapult her to the top of the very short list of favorite people in my life. To meet her is to know her smile is infectious. To play with her is to know her laughter can tame even the most ferocious heart. She is a sweet child. A passionate child. She is empathetic. Deeply spiritual. Loving. Caring. Smart and VERY observant. Things did not work out between her mother and I. She comprehends this and still maintains a level of adjustment that 2 teachers have commented on frequently. Her first 2 teachers in school have both made comments regarding her personality and how she is nothing like most of their students from "broken homes." She is amaZing. She blows me away. She makes me laugh. This is hard to do considering I am the funniest person I know. All of these attributes make her WHO she is but this blog is about WHAT she does to me. When she laughs, no matter what it is about, it puts a smile on my face that takes forever and a day to get rid of. Dammit, I just ended a sentence with a preposition..... Maybe no one noticed..... Keep going dummy.....You know what I am talking about, even if you don't have kids of your own!!! A child's laughter has incredible powers! It can cause a frown from even the grumpiest of Papa's to disappear in an instant. Vivian's laugh can do that to her Papa. It can make my worst day seem like a drop in a bucket. Maybe because I know all of the other good stuff about her. Maybe because it's a cute laugh. Maybe it's just 'cause I love her. Who really cares why. I just hope she never stops laughing.
The second thing that makes me perma-grin is the love of a woman. Hoo-ah!!!!! Love sweet love. A year and a half ago, I would have told you there is no such thing as love. If you pressed me hard enough to admit there was love in the world I would possibly relent to the idea of love but not that there was love out there for me. Not from a woman, at least. I would hope not from a man but definitely not from an evil, satanic, demonic, Hellish vixen who only wanted to, once again, suck the very life out of me and leave me for dead. No sir!!!! Did not want that. Not ever again. Guess what.....? I have changed my opinion of, not only women, but of love from women!!!!! I have discovered over the last year or so that it is possible to get love from a woman. I have discovered that said love is not too bad at all!!!! I have discovered that not all women are of the succubus species that most men have grown accustomed to. There are a few out there that really get it. They get men. They understand what we are and what we are about. They see past our crap and see through to the soft chewy centers and take it in all the way. They love us. This makes me smile. Every single day. It makes me smile ear to ear. It makes my heart smile. Wow, I did get pretty sappy there, didn't I? Glad I started off with De Palma. I would get labeled very unfairly, otherwise......

I know I've touched on this before but.....

Okay, before the perverts who read my blog on a consistent basis ( you know who you are people.... C'mon.....) get too excited by the title, I had better explain. I mean "touched on" as in spoke or written about before. That's it. Nothing nefarious. Nothing sexual. No actual touching will be taking place during the construction of this blog..... Well..... Sort of...... Never mind.... I do not have to justify myself to anyone. Anyway, back to the title. I decided to pick up a topic that has been set aside, for the most part, for quite some time. It is the topic of missing someone or something. I mean the kind of missing that wrenches your gut. I mean the type of missing that keeps you awake at night. I mean the type of missing that makes it difficult for you to focus on any one specific task because you are too busy missing someone or something. Not the kind of missing that makes you say, "Gee, I haven't seen or heard from so and so for a while..." Not the kind of missing where you realize after several days that you forgot to do something or say something to someone or with something because you really didn't care. Not the kind of missing where you are in the middle of something else when you realize you MIGHT have forgotten someone or something. The kind of missing in the first three, aforementioned, scenarios is what this blog is about. Plain and simple. REAL missing. I want to pick apart the first three scenarios and relate them to my present frame of mind and then delve into how I deal with it. Cool? Too bad. I'm gonna anyway. Okay, first scenario. Gut wrenching. Not a very appealing description for a human emotion or reaction to a situation but really, what better way to describe how you feel when you are missing someone. Gut wrenching, I have always felt describes the feeling that someone is literally taking a wrench to your gut, getting a good hold and twisting. It is not a pleasant thought or feeling. It is not meant to be. It is about as close as we can come to describing it without going too far and mixing it with stomach turning, which is something completely different. We just miss them and for some reason there is a physical reaction to this missing. Our gut feels wrenched. Plain and simple. It's it and that's that. The next scenario is being kept awake at night. I do feel as though this is quite self explanatory. Every time you close your eyes to sleep, the image of the person or thing you are missing pops in, unannounced. This causes a conscious and, perhaps, unconscious stream of thoughts that illicit emotions and feelings that are far too powerful to overcome thereby keeping our brain active, thereby preventing us from falling asleep. Your brain is an amaZing tool that does so many things but it is a very fickle tool. It needs certain and specific conditions to shut down temporarily (sleep). Too many emotions and thoughts of a person that we are missing creates an unfavorable condition for our brain to sleep. Hence, no sleep when we miss someone at the level that I am referring to in this blog. The last scenario is missing someone or something so much you are unable to focus on any specific task....... What was I talking about......????? Awww shit..... See what I mean????? Well, I have no clue what I was doing. I need to try to get some sleep though..... Have not been able to lately......And my stomach feels like someone has a wrench clamped down on it.....

Playground Politics were always such a bitch....

Remember in the '80's when the Psychologists' term of the month was "Get in touch with your inner child?" Many of us heard that and laughed. Some of heard that and started becoming concerned about having to register as a sex offender for the amount of times we touched our inner child..... Or maybe that was just me...... Anywho...... (awkward....) The phrase was meant to inspire adults to try to remember what it was like to be a kid. With the proliferation of the yuppie phenomenon and the economy on it's roller-coaster, people started working too much, stressing out all of the time, and just plain wearing themselves out. They went from a Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox to a 3 martini lunch at the little Italian joint downtown almost overnight. They woke up one day with all of this responsibility. No more all nighters with the Star Wars figures... It was stocks, bonds, mortgages, station wagons......and kids. They all of a sudden had to put away G.I. Joe or Barbie and start taking care of this little person on top of everything else. The kids wanted to be kids.... The parents wanted them to grow up. The Psychologists of the time said, "HEY!!!! Let them be kids!!!! Have you forgotten what it was like?" The adults didn't get it. They kept pushing and pushing. So the Psychologists had to come up with a way to grab the attention of said adults and make them WANT to get it. Hence... "Get in touch with your inner child." It had worked on the male population in the '70's. Remember? "Get in touch with your feminine side." The Psychologists figured either it could work on men AND women. Challenge them. Make them prove something. It's human nature to try and show the world that we are capable of doing something the world doesn't think we can do. So, the adults started getting in touch with their inner children. Movies were made about it. Remember Big? Tom Hanks breakout smash hit about the boy who wanted to be big, and then he was , and then he didn't want it anymore. How about Hook? (Yes, I know this one came out in 1991, but for all intents and purposes, it helps the story so back off!!!!!) The story of Peter Pan. Except Peter has grown up. He has forgotten how to "fly, fight, and crow..." It is not until he gets in touch with his Peter within....Hmmmmm.... That does not sound right..... Try something else....It is not until he sees his youth through the eyes of his children that he is able to live again. That's better.... Much better..... So, since the '80's, we have been trying our damnedest to keep this one alive. Whenever we find ourselves stressed, overworked or just plain bummed out, we call up that inner child and ask if they want to play. We bungee jump. We skydive. We dress up at Halloween. We host themed dinner parties that let us just have fun. We take our own kids to concerts and jump and dance and scream as loud as they do. We take them to sporting events and do all of the things we wanted to do as kids but weren't allowed to, like eat polish sausages, cotton candy and peanuts....Then we throw the shells on the ground and order one of those big cookies from the guy walking up and down the aisle just because..... Overall, I think we have done a pretty good job as a society at living up to and proving that we can do this. Sadly, though, there is a large segment of the population that has really fucked this endearing behavior up. There are those who have not only gotten in touch with their inner child, they also gave him a snuggie. They not only reverted back to their childhood ways in their extra-curricular activities, they also brought their child-like behavior into the boardroom. Into the bedroom. For whatever reason, they seem to believe that the playground politics work in everyday life. The philosophies of bullying, cliques, revenge, toy envy, and control have not only crept back into their lives, they have consumed these folks. These sad souls walk around everyday picking on the little guy so they can feel better about themselves. These pathetic people judge others solely by who they hang with as opposed to who they are as a person. These lonesome losers feel that every injustice deserves another injustice in return. These desperate dorks want what the neighbor has so bad that they are willing to destroy the neighbors posession just to make it all even steven again. These confused clowns think that being King Of The Hill gives them the right to push everyone around, even when they are not on the hill anymore. It's sad. It truly is. They have taken a simple, beautiful concept and turned it into something so painful, so hurtful, so goddamn worthless. That is what these people are. Worthless. I know you all know someone like this. You all know a bully. A control freak. An asshole. They are everywhere. They can be in our friendship circles. In our places of employ. In our homes. We may be acquainted with them. Assigned to work with them. Married to them. No matter how it is we come to know these freaks of nature, our number one goal now, and always should, be to avoid them. Get them out of our lives. The can do no good for us. They thrive on our suffering. They live to see our pain. Once we show them no pain, once we stop enduring the suffering and walk away, they lose their power. Just like the bully. Underneath all of the bravado and bullshit is a scared inner child that just wanted to play. Yeah? Well let them go play with themselves. I don't need 'em.

18 floors of heaven.....

Taking a little departure from my usual blog and letting someone else's words do all of the talking for me....(as my fingers on my right hand were burned quite badly in an industrial accident last night that caused me to turn into a maniacal white-faced evil-doer with a penchant for violence and an obsession with the phrase "Ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight? I always ask that of all my prey. I just like the sound of it...") I digress. I just wanted to share the lyrics to a song by a band that I only recently discovered. The band is Blue October and the song is 18th Floor Balcony. It amazed me that the band known for Hate Me could write such an amazing ballad that speaks to me on sooooo many levels. It's on my playlist on this page. Listen to it! LISTEN TO IT DAMMIT!!!!!! Good stuff, Maynard!! Love to you all!!!



18th Floor Balcony
by Blue October


I Close My Eyes
And I Smile
Knowing That Everything Is Alright
To The Core
So Close That Door
Is This Happening?
My Breath Is On Your Hair
I'm Unaware
That You Opened The Blinds And Let The City In
God, You Held My Hand
And We Stand
Just Taking In Everything.
And I Knew It From The Start
So My Arms Are Open Wide
Your Head Is On My Stomach
And We're Trying So Hard Not To Fall Asleep
Here We Are
On This 18th Floor Balcony.
We're Both Flying Away.

So We Talked About Mom's And Dad's
About Family Pasts
Just Getting To Know Where We Came From
Our Hearts Were On Display
For All To See
I Can't Believe This Is Happening To Me
And I Raised My Hand As If To Show You That I Was Yours
That I Was So Yours For The Taking
I'm So Yours For The Taking
That's When I Felt The Wind Pick Up
I Grabbed The Rail While Choking Up
These Words To Say And Then You Kissed Me...
I Knew It From The Start
So My Arms Are Open Wide
Your Head Is On My Stomach
And We're Trying So Hard Not To Fall Asleep
Here We Are
On This 18th Floor Balcony...

We're Both Flying Away.

And I'll Try To Sleep
To Keep You In My Dreams
'til I Can Bring You Home With Me
I'll Try To Sleep
And When I Do I'll Keep You In My... Dreams

I Knew It From The Start
So My Arms Are Open Wide
Your Head Is On My Stomach
And We're Trying So Hard Not To Fall Asleep
So Here We Are
On This 18th Floor Balcony
I Knew It From The Start
My Arms Are Open Wide
Your Head Is On My Stomach
No, We're Not Going To Sleep
Here We Are
On This 18th Floor Balcony... We're Both..Flying Away

Confusion is nothing new.....

"Do you ever think of yourself as actually dead lying in a box with a lid on it? Nor do I really. It's silly to be depressed by it. I mean, one thinks of it like being alive in a box, and one keeps forgetting to take into account the fact that one is dead... which should make all the difference... shouldn't it? I mean, you'd never know you were in a box, would you? It would be just like you were asleep in a box. Not that I'd like to sleep in a box, mind you, not without any air, you'd wake up dead for a start, and then where would you be? In a box. That's the bit I don't like frankly. That's why don't think of it. Because you'd be helpless! Stuffed in a box like that, I mean, you'd be in there forever. Even taking into account the fact that you're dead, it isn't a pleasant thought. Especially if you're dead really... ask yourself, if I asked you straight off... I'm going to stuff you in this box now, would you rather be alive or dead. Naturally, you prefer to be alive. Life in a box is better than no life at all. I expect. You'd have a chance at least. You could lie there thinking well, at least I'm not dead! In a minute somebody is going to bang on the lid and tell me to come out. Hey, you! What's yer name!Come out of there!"

Oh man.... I love this quote. Wish I could take credit for it. Can't though. Have to give credit where credit is due. The monologue on death and dying above was written by Tom Stoppard. An extremely talented playwright and screenwriter. The quote itself is from his brilliant play entitled, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. Truly, in my opinion, one of the most amazing modern plays written. Original, hilarious, innovative and surreal this play follows two characters from Shakespeare's classic tragedy Hamlet as they are summoned by the king to find out what is wrong with Hamlet. The men named in the title are actual characters from the original Hamlet albeit very small and rather insignificant but Tom Stoppard decided to make something of them. There was a movie made starring Gary Oldman and Tim Roth as the title characters. Great movie! Very hard to find. If you come across it, watch it. I know what you are saying right.... "Okay, fat man (although you would be incorrect in giving me that moniker as I am rapidly losing weight so perhaps "fluffy man" would be more appropriate... just a suggestion...), this is a nice review and advertisement for a 40 year old play and a 17 year old movie that we may never see but what does is have to do with anything? You usually write insightful, flowing, moving blogs that inspire, touch and motivate us to a goal... This is just informative.... What gives?" I know that is what at least 60-70% of you were thinking... C'mon.... Admit it.... I will tell you what it's about. I always do, don't I? Go back up and re-read the quote. I have done it in color, mimicking the style of my dear friend Connie and her penchant for having colorful blogs with quotes clearly separated by striking colors, so that you can easily focus on reading just the quote. Done it? Read the quote again? Okay, now, who does that sound like? Think hard. Of all of the people you may know, who among them would come up with something like this? If you guessed me, you are just as brilliant as I am. Every time I have heard, read or thought about this quote, I have said to myself, "This sounds like me... It sounds like my brain.... Confused, concerned, logical with a great deal of illogical sprinkled throughout..." This quote is the sum total of how my mind operates on a daily basis. Point/Counterpoint. Sensible/Non-Sensible. Real/Surreal. These attributes found in all streams of consciousness. Whether I am pondering my breakfast choice or the meaning of life. I am a walking accident when it comes to thought. I feel as though I should be walking around with a sign on my chest that reads.."Please Do Not Feed The Bear... (...anything that might make him think) At least with a sign like this, I can avoid the headaches that are not uncommon on any given day due to the inconsiderate moron who asks me what I think about the Presidential elections. Still confused as to what in the Hell I am talking about? Don't hurt yourself. So am I.