18 floors of heaven.....

Taking a little departure from my usual blog and letting someone else's words do all of the talking for me....(as my fingers on my right hand were burned quite badly in an industrial accident last night that caused me to turn into a maniacal white-faced evil-doer with a penchant for violence and an obsession with the phrase "Ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight? I always ask that of all my prey. I just like the sound of it...") I digress. I just wanted to share the lyrics to a song by a band that I only recently discovered. The band is Blue October and the song is 18th Floor Balcony. It amazed me that the band known for Hate Me could write such an amazing ballad that speaks to me on sooooo many levels. It's on my playlist on this page. Listen to it! LISTEN TO IT DAMMIT!!!!!! Good stuff, Maynard!! Love to you all!!!



18th Floor Balcony
by Blue October


I Close My Eyes
And I Smile
Knowing That Everything Is Alright
To The Core
So Close That Door
Is This Happening?
My Breath Is On Your Hair
I'm Unaware
That You Opened The Blinds And Let The City In
God, You Held My Hand
And We Stand
Just Taking In Everything.
And I Knew It From The Start
So My Arms Are Open Wide
Your Head Is On My Stomach
And We're Trying So Hard Not To Fall Asleep
Here We Are
On This 18th Floor Balcony.
We're Both Flying Away.

So We Talked About Mom's And Dad's
About Family Pasts
Just Getting To Know Where We Came From
Our Hearts Were On Display
For All To See
I Can't Believe This Is Happening To Me
And I Raised My Hand As If To Show You That I Was Yours
That I Was So Yours For The Taking
I'm So Yours For The Taking
That's When I Felt The Wind Pick Up
I Grabbed The Rail While Choking Up
These Words To Say And Then You Kissed Me...
I Knew It From The Start
So My Arms Are Open Wide
Your Head Is On My Stomach
And We're Trying So Hard Not To Fall Asleep
Here We Are
On This 18th Floor Balcony...

We're Both Flying Away.

And I'll Try To Sleep
To Keep You In My Dreams
'til I Can Bring You Home With Me
I'll Try To Sleep
And When I Do I'll Keep You In My... Dreams

I Knew It From The Start
So My Arms Are Open Wide
Your Head Is On My Stomach
And We're Trying So Hard Not To Fall Asleep
So Here We Are
On This 18th Floor Balcony
I Knew It From The Start
My Arms Are Open Wide
Your Head Is On My Stomach
No, We're Not Going To Sleep
Here We Are
On This 18th Floor Balcony... We're Both..Flying Away

Confusion is nothing new.....

"Do you ever think of yourself as actually dead lying in a box with a lid on it? Nor do I really. It's silly to be depressed by it. I mean, one thinks of it like being alive in a box, and one keeps forgetting to take into account the fact that one is dead... which should make all the difference... shouldn't it? I mean, you'd never know you were in a box, would you? It would be just like you were asleep in a box. Not that I'd like to sleep in a box, mind you, not without any air, you'd wake up dead for a start, and then where would you be? In a box. That's the bit I don't like frankly. That's why don't think of it. Because you'd be helpless! Stuffed in a box like that, I mean, you'd be in there forever. Even taking into account the fact that you're dead, it isn't a pleasant thought. Especially if you're dead really... ask yourself, if I asked you straight off... I'm going to stuff you in this box now, would you rather be alive or dead. Naturally, you prefer to be alive. Life in a box is better than no life at all. I expect. You'd have a chance at least. You could lie there thinking well, at least I'm not dead! In a minute somebody is going to bang on the lid and tell me to come out. Hey, you! What's yer name!Come out of there!"

Oh man.... I love this quote. Wish I could take credit for it. Can't though. Have to give credit where credit is due. The monologue on death and dying above was written by Tom Stoppard. An extremely talented playwright and screenwriter. The quote itself is from his brilliant play entitled, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. Truly, in my opinion, one of the most amazing modern plays written. Original, hilarious, innovative and surreal this play follows two characters from Shakespeare's classic tragedy Hamlet as they are summoned by the king to find out what is wrong with Hamlet. The men named in the title are actual characters from the original Hamlet albeit very small and rather insignificant but Tom Stoppard decided to make something of them. There was a movie made starring Gary Oldman and Tim Roth as the title characters. Great movie! Very hard to find. If you come across it, watch it. I know what you are saying right.... "Okay, fat man (although you would be incorrect in giving me that moniker as I am rapidly losing weight so perhaps "fluffy man" would be more appropriate... just a suggestion...), this is a nice review and advertisement for a 40 year old play and a 17 year old movie that we may never see but what does is have to do with anything? You usually write insightful, flowing, moving blogs that inspire, touch and motivate us to a goal... This is just informative.... What gives?" I know that is what at least 60-70% of you were thinking... C'mon.... Admit it.... I will tell you what it's about. I always do, don't I? Go back up and re-read the quote. I have done it in color, mimicking the style of my dear friend Connie and her penchant for having colorful blogs with quotes clearly separated by striking colors, so that you can easily focus on reading just the quote. Done it? Read the quote again? Okay, now, who does that sound like? Think hard. Of all of the people you may know, who among them would come up with something like this? If you guessed me, you are just as brilliant as I am. Every time I have heard, read or thought about this quote, I have said to myself, "This sounds like me... It sounds like my brain.... Confused, concerned, logical with a great deal of illogical sprinkled throughout..." This quote is the sum total of how my mind operates on a daily basis. Point/Counterpoint. Sensible/Non-Sensible. Real/Surreal. These attributes found in all streams of consciousness. Whether I am pondering my breakfast choice or the meaning of life. I am a walking accident when it comes to thought. I feel as though I should be walking around with a sign on my chest that reads.."Please Do Not Feed The Bear... (...anything that might make him think) At least with a sign like this, I can avoid the headaches that are not uncommon on any given day due to the inconsiderate moron who asks me what I think about the Presidential elections. Still confused as to what in the Hell I am talking about? Don't hurt yourself. So am I.

Shut Up, Head!!! My heart has something to say....

This blog is one of the thousands that I have running through my head at any given time. Most of them are fragmented thoughts that, were I to print them, may just get me arrested. Some of them are floating around in wiener world just waiting for that right thought to make them whole and printable. Then there are those like today's that are there. Up front. Whole and complete. Merely waiting for the right moment in time to emerge. This topic has been ready for a while. I have been quite busy lately and unable to sit long enough to type it so here it goes...

It is often said that we humans "think" with several parts of our body depending on the situation. We all know that our parts can't REALLY think for us but I am quite sure you know what I mean. You have been walking all day and you are tired. Someone says to you, "Wanna go further?" and your reply is , " I want to but my feet don't think I should..." You have just finished a big meal at your favorite restaurant. You are stuffed. The server comes by and says, " Dessert?" to which you might reply, "No thanks. My tummy doesn't think that would be a good idea." You are sitting out in front of your parent's house late one night with the girl/guy of your dreams and the conversation goes from mild to wild and the next thing you know hands are wandering and she whispers, "Don't you want me?" at which time you say three things "One certain part of me, which I will not mention, says yes, my head (brain, you perverts) says an emphatic no, and my heart says wait. I am going with my heart." All of these situations may seem quite familiar to many of you and you may find yourselves saying that you know exactly what I mean. Do you? Do you really? I hope so because I really want you to agree with what I am about to say. Out of all the responses above, the only one that a body part made that I feel is the right one, is the one made by the heart. Yep. The heart. The one body part that is so often accused of being irrational. Making decisions based solely on emotion. It's the body part that has been hailed as the strongest muscle in the body yet it so easily broken. It can beat loud and proud in a person one day.... and then just quit the next. Even with all of these contradictions and opinions, I have found in my life that when I have let my heart be the deciding vote, in the long run, I have been much happier. Let's look at the scenarios.... Walking all day and you need to go further..... If you let your feet decide, then you will stop. What if you are only at mile 55 of a 60 mile walk that you committed to and raised money for and are doing for the loved ones in your life that have or may someday suffer from Breast Cancer? How would you feel if you stopped there? Your heart tells you to keep going. So you do. You are at the restaurant and you are faced with a decision of whether or not to indulge.... Let's just say that for this one, I just have to think about the old saying "Life's short, eat dessert first." I know it's not good for you. I know it may add a pound or two. I also know I never want to regret anything. I do not want to be on my death bed saying...."I shoulda had the apple pie..." Some of you may say I am justifying my poor eating habits. I'll have you know, I have dropped 20+ lbs recently and have never felt better... and I still have the apple pie now and again... guilt free... regret free... I listened to my heart... Dammit! The last scenario is the most profound because it involves so many body parts. When things escalate to a level with members of the opposite sex where some sort of racy involvement seems inevitable, there are many factors that must be considered. These factors are often considered by three very (VERY) powerful body parts. The first being the naughty bits... At this point, these bad boys/girls are considering these factors with the reckless abandon of a 5 year old at Chuck E Cheese. Oh man.... These parts have made their mind up as to what needs to happen before she/he gets the whole question out. How much rational thinking can one do in that much time. The second part is the brain. Often regarded as the strongest and most rational of the body parts. It is where all of the grey matter is. All of the nerves, all of the feelings, all of the senses report to the brain. Does this make it the best decision maker? Just because it's the boss? Let's ask the poor boys forced into becoming SS soldiers in WWII if they think the boss is always the best way to go. Let's ask the men, women and children of Jonestown who gave their lives to a leader who said he knew what was best for them as he fed them cyanide laced Kool-Aid and watched them die. Think they believe now that just because you are "the boss" that you know what is best. I know, these seem extreme. They are. They prove the point though. The brain is just as fallible as the rest of the body. Prone to persuasion. Easily manipulated. I truly believe that the heart is the only one in the last scenario that was thinking clearly. It always does. Think about it. Go through all of the big decisions in your mind that have taken place through the years. How many times that you TRULY LISTENED to your heart, did it ever steer you wrong. I know for a fact in the above scenario, when faced by this very writer, the heart was soooooo very right. By going with the heart that night, all that time ago, I was able to see the possibilities that are still there. Had I listened to either of the other parts, or any other part for that matter, I may not be as happy as I am this very day. Things WOULD be different. I believe this with all of my heart...

I know what it's like to soar like the eagles... (Just a quick note)

I have always admired birds of prey. In fact, if I were to list my dream jobs, the order would be something like this...

1) Major League Baseball Umpire- Thank you Jim Evans and your Southwest Classic Umpire School (and Ted Barrett, current Major League Umpire) for getting me as close as my 34 year old body would have ever gotten to being one. It was amazing!!!!

2) Wildlife Specialist with an emphasis in Orithology. I know just about as much as anyone should care to know about the Birds of Prey native to Arizona. They fascinate me. Always have, always will.

3) Part owner and GM of my own Irish Pub/restaurant. This one is the most attainable.... Well, duh!!!!!

So, you can see, my fascination with Birds of Prey runs pretty deep. I will have to say at this point that my favorite Bird of Prey is the Eagle. More specifically, the Bald Eagle. No, not because we have the Bald thing in common. It has more to do with the majestic qualities they possess. There was one instance where I was able to witness thier majestic beauty in all of it's glory. It was very early one summer morning and I had gone to the Salt/Verde River convergance for some alone time and fishing. I was (as usual) catching nothing when a shadow crossed my line of sight. I knew instantly what it was. A Bald Eagle. Soaring. I was so envious. I wanted to know how that felt. How it felt to be above the world. Looking down. Totally free. Totally unrestrained by any and all of the trappings the earth has to offer. Circling above the stress, the fear, the pain. Looking down on it with a grin knowing that for the time being, it had no control. Only the sky, the wind currents and my desire to focus on. Well, I gotta tell ya... I now know. I know what that feeling is like. Truly amazing. Words cannot truly give life to the depths of happiness I have experienced during my soaring. I have soared with the eagles above a Gold Canyon and I never want to land.

I know why Al Capone chose the day for a massacre...

So, I made a promise to myself this year. Wanna know what is was? Of course you do. I promised myself that this year, I was not going to face Valentine's Day with my usual cynicism and disdain. I was not going to decry the superficial and commercial nature of a "holiday" that was, more or less, created for the greeting card industry.... Oh..... Dammit..... That was cynical, huh?..... Okay, from this point on, no more... I was not going to wallow in self-pity because I, once again, was going to spend this holiday alone... working... without anyone to "be" with. That's not cynical. Them's just the facts. I will not be celebrating with someone. Physically. No, I don't mean sex, you perverts (although it is also true that I will not be playing any "under the sheet games" this year on Valentine's Day). What I mean by "physically," is that I got to thinking. Yes, I have a headache as a result but listen.... Do we really need to have our "Valentines" with us in order for the holiday to be enjoyable? My answer to this is a resounding, "No!" How do I figure? It has to be possible. That's how I figure. It's the only way that I will be able to make it through another one. It's the only way for me to stave off the depression and anger that I have experienced during that day for the past several years. For those of you doing the math, I do mean several years and that is more than the 5 you may be thinking... Still not following? Simply put, I cannot remember the last good Valentine's Day that I had. It has been MANY years. So, in order for this one to be different, I have to trust that the conventional rules of celebrating the day are open for interpretation. Okay, here goes my interpretation. My keys to a good Valentine's Day. Feel free to copy and paste these interpretations for your own benefit... First of all, we must define our "Valentine." Conventional celebratory rules will have you believe that this person must be our spouse, fiancee', girlfriend/boyfriend, lover, mate, bestest buddy (FWB), or our favorite booty call. These are all true for most. For some, like myself, these are not present in our lives. Does this mean we are void of love? Does this imply that we cannot have a "Valentine" if we have none of the aforementioned persons in our life? Conventional celebrations will say that. My interpretation? If you have someone in your heart that you would like to be one of these things, but for whatever reason... i.e. timing, distance, morality, restraining order... they can't be, I say that they qualify. I think that if your heart is filled with "true love" for someone that is not one of the above, that person can and should be your "Valentine." Second of all, we must decide what being with them means. Do they have to be right next to you? Must you spend the whole day together? Is dinner a foregone conclusion? Conventional celebrating: Yes Bradley's interpretation: Hell no! If your "Valentine" as defined by me cannot be near you for some reason... i.e. timing.... well, you know... then you should be able to celebrate with them in absentia. The mind is a powerful tool. Imagination can create wonderful scenarios. Don't go too far, though. Especially if restraining order is one of the reasons that you are going by my interpretaion. The last thing I think needs some interpretation is the expectation factor. What do I get my "Valentine?" Candy? Flowers? Lingere'? I am sure you know, by now, that Conventional celebrating agrees with all of the above and then some. My interpretation? How about telling your "Valentine" how much they have filled your heart with joy? Letting them know through well spoken words or well written sentences that without them, you would not know how the sun would rise everyday for you. If they were not in your heart, your would have no need for a heart at all. They have improved your life to the point that you can see no more room for improvement (except maybe get in better shape, quit smoking, and lower your blood pressure). These things would mean so much more than a stuffed animal or a bouquet of roses. At least, I like to think so. There you have it. My interpretation of Valentine's Day. I hope I can be strong and follow my own advice.... I don't hope I can, I know I can. I have to....

Did you miss me? I'm baaaaaaaack.....

It has been a while since I last wrote. I feel as though I am slacking. Losing focus. Letting down my muse. I mean, here my muse has done so much to make me the writer that I have become, and there I am.... Not writing. Now, admittedly, the genius that is me cannot just spew forth the brilliance that is my writing at the drop of a hat. More often than not, inspiration is needed. There must be a catalyst. Am I trying to sit here and tell you people that nothing has inspired me of late? Have things been so uninteresting in my life that I have been driven to total silence? Truth be told.... No. Things have actually been quite interesting. A great deal of roller coaster occurrences. What are "roller coaster occurrences?" These are things that happen that mimic the fast-paced, up and down and side to side motion of a roller coaster. Sometimes you are laughing and enjoying yourself. Sometimes you are screaming at the top of your lungs and trying to remember where you keep the change of clothes because you just pissed yourself. Sometimes you are stoic and numb knowing what is just about to happen. All of these things happen during "roller coaster occurrences." Separate, they are enough to drive a sane person to lose their mind. Somehow, all together, they bring about a certain euphoria and level of peace that one cannot find anywhere else. At least, for most people. For myself, separate or together, I hate that shit. Never been a fan of roller coasters. This is not to say that I am your typical milquetoast/vanilla/boring old fat guy. I have my adventurous side. I can be dangerous. How many of you have captured a wild rattlesnake with your bare hands? Ever grabbed a Desert Hairy Scorpion by the tail to remove it from an area occupied by friends and family? I am going to guess that none of or very few of you have. I am not saying I am into boring and plain. I just hate roller coasters. All of them. When I first went on Space Mountain, I spent the entire time visualizing my head being removed by one of the low beams that I was flying past at 5000 mph. I was a hoot at Cedar Point. Oh, I went on damn near every freaking roller coaster that place offers simply because I was told that I was too chicken to do so. I was not too chicken. I went on them. Hated every Goddamn minute of it, though. I think the fascination with the death machines is overrated. Same way I feel that life's little ups and downs are overrated. The ups can be amazing. I have been riding a certain high, for instance, since Christmas time. One area of my life has proven to be very rewarding. Other parts, however, have been one disappointment after the other. I am quite tired of this. Do I want everything to go my way all of the time? Is that how I think life needs to, should and must be? Well, uhhhh, yeah!!!! Of Course!!!! What the Hell is wrong with you???

One more quick thought....

After finishing the last blog I just wrote, I was sitting on the back patio with a Pall Mall in one hand and my head in the other when a quote popped into my head. A quote that I have said to many who know me. Actually, if you have met and talked to me at all, I have probably said this one to you and for someone I know, it has never been more apropos than right at this very moment. I hope they get a chance to stop by and read it and as for the rest of you, keep it in your hearts as well for the times that it may just be the one thought that saves your life. Here it goes...

" I know what Burt is going through right now. It's the loneliest feeling in the world. It's like walking down a dark, empty street with only the sound of your footsteps. And all you have to do is knock on any door and say "If you let me in, I'll live the way YOU want me to live and I'll think the way YOU want me to think," and all of the blinds will go up. And all of the doors will be open. And you'll never be lonely, ever again. " -Henry Drummond (Spencer Tracy), Inherit the Wind

Words to live by, my dear friends. Words to live by. I love you all, so very much. Thank you for enriching my life in ways that I will never be able to repay you for. I hope these words will find a place in your heart. A place as important as the one they are kept in, in my heart.