Is there any such thing as a "good" goodbye?

As I sit in front of my computer shortly after midnight on this the first day of 2008 it dawn's on me that this is not only a day to welcome a New Year, it is also a time to say goodbye to an Old Year... All of the television networks have some sort of countdown to help us say goodbye to the year, i.e. The Year's Best Sports Moments, This Year in Weather, Train wrecks of the Year, The Year of the Amazing Orgasm Review... okay, okay... I made the last one up... Although, if I was the Head of Programming for any major network or the Playboy Channel that would be one of the countdowns. Trust me. These countdowns are intended to fill us with laughter and joy and fond memories of the year that has gone by. They are meant to instill us with warm fuzzies at a time that, really, can be quite difficult depending on the year we had. I look at it differently. I have a different perspective. Are you surprised? I didn't think so. You know that I have to skew just about everything. I get off on it. Here it goes.... The countdowns are shown every year at this time to deflect us from realizing that we are saying "Goodbye." We are letting go of the year that was, and let's face it people, "Goodbye" is never a good thing. Before you people say that never is a poor choice in this case I would like to ask that you shut the Hell up until my point is made. Ooooo... that was harsh... Well, shoot, y'all try to get ahead of me too much. Moving on... Look deep and hard into your past. By past I mean as recently as yesterday afternoon and as far back as you can clearly remember. Think about as many goodbyes as you can think of. Any of them good? Now I know that some are thinking, "Well, there were some people and places and situations that I was glad to say goodbye to..." I understand that. I do. Think about it, though. If you were glad to say goodbye, then something was very wrong, ergo, no such thing as a "good" goodbye. May I move on please? I can think of several goodbyes in my life that I can honestly say have affected me a great deal. Some of them because of the permanence in the goodbye. Some because of the incertitude that accompanies the goodbye. Some just because they did not go the way that you wanted them to (to which I would ask, "Do they ever?"). I have had all three of these types of goodbyes throughout my 34 years. I can recall a difficult one that fell into the permanence category. It was with the cat that adopted my family when I was around 10. He was an outside cat that moved to our backyard when his owners (our neighbors) moved to Utah. They asked if we could take care of him and before they were gone, he was in our yard looking for food and love. Both of which were provided and subsequently, the love was returned. He was my rock during those tough, awkward, early teens years. I would retreat to the backyard, full of teenage angst and distraught by the treatment I had received from some girl in Jr High and this cat would come from ANYWHERE in the neighborhood. He was tuned into my brooding. He would arrive just as I flopped down into the lounge chair in disgust. He would jump on my lap and look at me as if to commiserate. It was great. Well, he lived by the sword as an outdoor cat. As a result he was to die by the sword. An abscess that was the result of a fight ended up getting infected rather quickly and rather than allowing him to suffer, the Vet suggested that we put him down. I remember being left with him in the room for a moment and this big, strong, tough teenager balled his eyes out saying goodbye to his com padre. It sucked. Hard core. The incertitude types of goodbyes are usually applied to break-ups. You never know how it will end, really. It is such a pain in the ass. The ones that didn't go the way you wanted them to? Too numerous to count, right? How many times did you prepare yourself for a certain goodbye (grandma, cousins, best friend from the old neighborhood) only to have it take too long, end too quickly or just not go well at all? A lot, huh? Don't tell me no! If you are, you are just being a pain. You know it. Here is the question of the day. Ever had a goodbye that encompassed all three of the above? One that was filled with incertitude, jam- packed with a perceived or possible permanence, and that just wasn't what you wanted it to be? The Tri-Fecta of the Shitty Goodbyes. Often, with these types of goodbyes, there is a great deal of love and well-intentioned emotion. You want to make the goodbye as easy as possible. You want it to be the one that is going to be good. It becomes clear almost the moment you see the person that it will not be good. It is almost tangible. The tension. The sadness. The reality. It hits you like a ton of bricks. Even though you are here in front of me right now, you are here to say "Goodbye." Goodbye is never good. Remember I said that earlier? A couple of times? So, you smile. You make small talk, you hug, maybe kiss, maybe gently yet tentatively hold hands... Only prolonging the inevitable. Hold back the tears. Don't let them know how you are dying inside. Remember, this was supposed to be good. It is a given that you would much prefer to have seen them before they were gone. You needed that "one last time." A given but not necessarily the best choice considering how you feel as you walk away.... Unable to look back for fear of breaking down completely... It was a good thing... Just not a"good" goodbye... Remember, none of them are.

Just a quick note....

This is a copy of the letter I just wrote to a local newspaper columnist regarding some advice I had taken from him. I thought that on this day before Christmas, it might be a bit of an inspiration for some. Thank you for reading!!!

Dear Clay,


I am an avid reader of your column. I admire your work a great deal and being the trivia/ "useless information" buff that I am, I find myself using your column as a source of wisdom(?). With this is in mind, I must also mention that I have recently used your column as a source of advice. I took my 6 year old shopping this last week. It was the morning your column mentioned that we should remember how difficult this time of year is for cashiers and retail employees in general. Standing in line at one of the Mega Stores, I noticed how flustered and haggard the retirement aged cashier was. It had been a long day and the goobers in front of me were not making things any easier. Then once my daughter and I reached the front of the line, one of the items I had for purchase would not scan so, frustrated, she had to go through the steps of entering the item in manually. As she was doing this I instructed my 6 year old to get me a bag of M & M's. She brought the M & M's with a great deal of excitement (thinking they were hers) and I handed them to the cashier. The cashier rang them and started to hand them to my sweet patootie and I stopped her. I said, "No, those are for you." She looked at me confused for a moment. My daughter had the same strange look on her face. I calmly mentioned that her day was more difficult than ours and that she could probably use them more. She was speechless and bleary eyed. The woman behind me just thought that was the neatest thing she had ever seen in all of her 70 years. My daughter informed the cashier, after figuring out what Daddy was doing, that "That's called giving. It's what you do at Christmas." Thank you Clay. Thank you for teaching me a new way to enjoy this time of year. Thank you for showing me a new way to teach my daughter about this time of year. Thank you for doing what you do. You have helped this part-time Grinch expand his tiny heart 3 sizes bigger.

Sincerely,

Bradley Jones

I am due for another music blog, how about y'all?

Here he goes again. It seems like every time the fat guy adds some new songs to his playlist we gotta listen to him ramble endlessly about the power of music, or adding a soundtrack to our lives, blah, blah, blah.... Yeah, well, ya know what???!!!! Bite me. This one, like ALL of the other blogs about music is very near and dear to me for a few reasons. First, because it is about music. Music being a major influence and force in my life. Second, because of the songs that I did add to my list tonight and why I added them. Finally, this blog is near and dear because I am going to talk about fishing poles, people, and Sha-Na-Na. What? Just relax, it will all tie together. Bear with me. Okay, music. Yes it's a driving force in my life etc.. etc.... Yes, you all know how important it is to me. Especially at this time of year. Many of you who know me, know that this time of year has always been a rough time for me. Not due to any tragedy or any Santa related creepiness..... Just have always been kind of a Grinch.... Until Vivian came along. Having kids will change your view of many things. Including those things you thought you would NEVER change your mind about. Like Christmas. Don't get me wrong. I have not been transformed into a fan of the times. Just softened up a bit. Around her. Still pretty much a Grinch whenever I get the chance. Especially when it comes to Christmas songs. Sure, I remember singing all the old versions of the songs growing up. Jimmy Boyd's version of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." Gene Autry belting out "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Brenda Lee telling us about "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree." I remember singing along with all of 'em. As I got older, though, they started to lose their charm. Over and over again. It was awful. They just kept playing them. On TV. On the radio. In the stores. At the restaurants. I got to the point where I was not only a Grinch because of the time of year but also because of the music of the time of the year. That was until I heard two different songs that forever warped me into a blubbering idiot whenever I heard them. Now, as you know, with me, I am not afraid to admit that a great deal of music stirs strong emotions in me. What you didn't know is that "The Little Drummer Boy" by Jars of Clay and "Do They Know It's Christmas" By Band-Aid and/or the Barenaked Ladies (either version is amazing) will reduce this Agnostic Christmas hater into a pile of teary blubber. Yep. A song about the birth of Jesus Christ and a song about a bunch of starving kids in Africa touch my soul in ways reserved only for Cyndi Lauper, Ben E. King, and the Monkees. Strange, huh? I think so. I have no idea why. I have heard many versions of "The Little Drummer Boy" and have enjoyed a few of them at one time or another. None of them do to me what the aforementioned version does. Cannot, will not, and don't want to try and explain. Deal with it. As far as the starving African kids? Don't know why that one does it either. It may be because of the one line sung by Bono in the original version... "...well tonight, Thank God it's them, instead of you..." There is such venom behind his voice that I think he put there on purpose. It worked on me. Got me thinking. Realizing no matter how rough things are on me this time of year, someone is suffering even more. Some don't even know what Christmas is or what it is all about. Not the religious aspect, the season in general. The giving. The receiving. The love. The family. The spirit. The stories. The laughter. The tears. The memories. All of these things make this time of year what it is. These two songs help me remember this. What are your songs? Finally... Fishing poles, people and Sha-Na-Na. There was quite a bit of controversy on my last blog when it posted on myspace. Seems like I led everyone to believe that there was some woman out there that I wanted real bad but couldn't, shouldn't and have not had. Well, I will stand here now and say that y'all are only partly right. Which part is right? I will never, EVER tell. Especially since y'all got so worked up. I have said that it could have been a fishing pole that I was talking about. It may have been a Light-Up Nativity Scene using the original cast of Sha-Na-Na (featuring Bowzer as the Christ Child). I am not telling if it was one of these things or a person. What I am going to say is relax.... Try not to think too hard about it.... It's Christmas time!

Oh yeahhh!!!! I'm gettin' all biblical on yer ass!!!!!

Well, I started another blog a few days ago and intend to finish it but I have another issue I would like to discuss at the present time. It is not necessarily a pressing issue or one that demands immediate attention. It's an issue that has been hanging around me for some time now and I thought I would put it out there for you folks to mull over. Perhaps after reading, some of you may even commiserate. If you are not able to determine from the title that this will be a biblically themed blog, please stop reading and go lie down. Biblically themed, eh? What particular Bible story would the Agnostic like to speak about? What part of a book that I find it so difficult to believe would pique my interest enough to write about? Adam and Eve. More specifically, the forbidden fruit. Yes, that's right. I am going to go there people. I have to. I have avoided this subject like the plague and have spent a great deal of time and effort stepping around it but I have to just step right in it. Cannot avoid it any more. What do I mean by the forbidden fruit? That which we want, but can't have. It is that simple. The forbidden fruit (for you heathens) was a reference in the Bible to fruit from the Tree of Knowledge in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam and Eve (the first humans according to the Bible. Again, for the heathens) not to eat fruit from the Tree and, of course, they did. Got themselves thrown right out of the Garden, they did. So throughout history, whenever someone has wanted something that they just cannot have, it has been referred to as wanting some forbidden fruit. So, tell me people, am I the only one? Am I the only fool in this world who has experienced this to the extreme that I find myself experiencing this now? Wait a minute.... Back up, fat man..... Did you say "experiencing this NOW?" What is it you want that you cannot have? What is it that has inspired you to write this amazing blog about Adam and Eve and fruit etc.....? Is there something (or someone) that you long for? Are you pining for something (or someone) that you just cannot have? Do you find yourself yearning for something (or someone) that is not yours? Yeah, like I am telling y'all. You people should know me better than that by now. I will just say that it is possible that there is something (or someone) I would really like to have and it just does not seem like I can or will so I want to know that I am suffering with others. Ever heard the saying "Misery Loves Company?" I need to know that there are those of you in my vast reader audience that know what I am talking about. I need to feel like it's okay to feel this. I have to tell you, it is the strangest feeling I have ever experienced. It is such a jumbled mess of several other emotions. Both good and bad. Mostly good, but the bad (pining, yearning, wanting) tend to be very strong. This combination makes the whole situation similar to an addiction. Want it, can't have it, makes you want it more.... Sounds like addiction to me. Textbook. What I am yearning for is not any substance of an addictive nature. I will tell you that much. Would not put this much effort into writing about a craving for a 'tini. Believe me. This is much more real. More tangible. More difficult. It deals with matters of both the mind and the heart. Well, I guess I should hold on to the other old saying, "This too, shall pass." ...I hope to Hell it doesn't...

Latin may be a dead language, but it's got some great sayings! Here are three!!

When I was in High School, we had to chose a foreign language. Everyone had to. We had to spend a few semesters in a classroom learning a language that we may or may not ever need. Usually, the instructors for these languages were as colorful as the language itself. I know that at my High School, this was all too true. There was Herr Bordwell. The German teacher. My German teacher. He looked like a cross between the Pillsbury Dough Boy and Adolf Hitler...That is no exaggeration. Great teacher, albeit a tad high strung. I know there was a woman who taught French and she was every bit of the stereotypical French teacher with the squeaky voice and the die hard insistence on only speaking French in class. Then there were the Spanish teachers and then... The Latin teacher... Mr Soto. Never had a day of class time with this man but I had many conversations with him. He was fascinating. Probably in his 60's at the time I was in High School. Probably too many substances during the 1960's as well. Very laid back. Very cool. VERY intelligent. He taught me a new Latin Phrase at least once a month during my senior year. Just for fun. Just because. There are three that have stuck with me throughout the years and in the last few weeks, these three phrases have become very prevalent in my life. Therefore, I felt compelled to share them. The first saying... Persona non Grata... Literally translated, the unwelcome person. Typically, this phrase is used in diplomatic situations where someone has stepped over the boundaries and is no longer recognized by a governing body. It can also apply to someone who feels on the outside of things. Outside for reasons that are not their choice. I consider it almost a state of being. Ever felt like a Persona non Grata? Like no one wants to let you join in the reindeer games? Like the world is having a good laugh and it's AT you, not WITH you. I hate that feeling. I may bring it on myself but I really don't like it. I have felt it recently and it sucks. When I start to feel that way, the best thing for me to do is move on to the next phrase which is... Carpe Diem... Seize the Day. We all remember the movie "Dead Poets Society." If you don't, you need to rent it. Seriously. This has to be a movie that you see. The phrase Carpe Diem was almost a theme for the movie. Seize the Day. Live life to it's fullest. Grab a hold and hang on. "Gather ye rose buds, while ye may..." Robert Herrick said it. I believe it. Knowing this, I can shake the old Persona non Grata feeling and start grabbing life by the horns. The last phrase is probably my favorite. It is one that has been attributed to Julius Caesar but there are many possibilities as to where it actually originated. The phrase... Alea Iacta Est... The Die is Cast. Uhhhhhh what? It's quite simple, really. Just as in the game of craps where once the die are thrown there is no turning back, this phrase means the dice have been thrown. Cast meaning throw as in cast away, or cast your fishing line. Caesar apparently said these words as he was leading his men into battle as if to say, "Hey boys, there is no turning back now! Drop your cocks and grab your socks because it is into the abyss!!!" So often, I have found this phrase to be a reassuring battle cry in my life when I have made a tough decision. Whenever I start to self-doubt or question a choice, I just remind myself, Alea Iacta Est. No turning back. The choice has been made. The wheels are in motion. You either stick to it, or fall behind and be left for dead. By the way, the phonetic pronunciation for this phrase, as near as I can tell, is a-lay yawk-taw es. I have also heard it pronounced o-lay yawk-taw-es. I am sure the Latins won't care. There are not too many of them around to get on you if you mess it up. I bet Mr. Soto knows the right way.....

Another "Inherit the Wind" moment... Brought to you by Marie Callender's...Makers of the best Humble Pie...

I had to talk about a moment that I witnessed today. It was a moment that I will not soon forget. One that has left an indelible mark on my brain. One that I will recall for years to come when someone asks me if I have ever seen a hero topple in person. We have all witnessed athletes, celebrities, and religious figures, who once had hero status, fall in disgrace due to their own greed or stupidity. These things usually take place on television. This way, even if they were our hero, we have this built in detachment that is the screen. They are not experiencing this right in front of us. They are thousands of miles away in their own world, not even caring what we think. It is far more rare to see someone you know, perhaps a hero of yours, fall from grace. I saw something like that today. Perhaps not a fall from grace, as it were. More like a weakness. realizing that Superman is weakened by Kryptonite. Finding out that Achilles can be killed if he is hit in the heel. That is what I saw today. How does this relate to Inherit the Wind? What comparisons can be drawn? Very simple. Matthew Harrison Brady (played by Frederic March) is on the stand being cross-examined by Henry Drummond (brilliantly played by Spencer Tracy) in the "Trial of the Century." Keep in mind that the movie is based on the Scopes Monkey Trial and that the courtroom scenes are actual court transcripts. During his cross, Henry Drummond is able to shake the very foundation that Matt Brady is standing on. This leaves Matt shouting incoherently and demanding attention and respect much to the shock of his many followers.... How could this great man be reduced to such a pitiful state? How does a God-fearing man of the Bible get destroyed by a Godless Agnostic in a battle of faith? The expressions on the faces of the followers as they leave the courtroom spoke volumes. They were watching their hero fall. The relationship would never be the same. I must say that what I witnessed was not a man who had been elevated to hero status falling before my eyes. Rather, a man who prides himself in his unflappable demeanor. His crusty, grumpy, outer-shell ever present. His strength in the face of stress and concern always on high. All of these attributes, taken away and he was reduced to tears with one phone call. A phone call that informed him that his mother is dying of cancer. If you know me at all, you have heard me talk about the chef at the restaurant where I work. A stubborn, gravelly voiced, opinionated black man by the name of Leonard. For all of his layers of crust, the man has a heart of gold. He is a boss. He is an asshole. He is a friend. It broke my heart to watch him suffer with the news. I was speechless. Yes, me. I was unable to come up with any words of comfort and encouragement. I felt they would seem insincere, contrived. So, I said nothing. Before I left, I placed my hand on his shoulder. As his back was to me, he had to turn around to see who was violating his personal space. There must have been a knowing look on my face or perhaps there was some influence from above, but this salty, angry, loud bastard actually hugged me. It was one of the most satisfying hugs a man can get from a man. It was just the right thing for both of us. I thought about ruining the moment and grabbing his ass, but I thought better of it....

The Meaning of Life.... No, not the Monty Python movie....The actual meaning....Well, sort of.....

So, yesterday was interesting. It was one of those days where, at the end of it all, you sit back and say...(plug your ears/close your eyes if you prefer PG rated stuff...) "Holy Shit!" I believe those were my exact words when my head finally hit my pillow sometime very late last night. It was a day filled with so many eye opening and life changing occurrences for me and those close to me that I just could not wrap my head around all of it. Some of the "occurrences" actually took place on another day, well actually just one of the "occurrences," but I just heard about it yesterday. I just noticed that I put quotes around "occurrences." I have done it every time I wrote the word "occurrences." Can't you just see me saying the word "occurrences" and making those little quote signs in the air as I say it? What a complete dork..... I need help.... Okay, back on task. It just seemed to me that yesterday was a day for realization. A day for contemplation. A day for discovery. A day to remember. There were 3 specific instances that I am going to be focusing on. There is no chronological order or order of importance to them. In one way or another, they all have a great deal of importance. Therefore, there is no one event more important than the other. Since yesterday ended up blending itself all together, I have eliminated the need for any kind of chronological order. Okay, that being said, let's go.... I got to talk to a very good friend of mine yesterday. He recently went to Las Vegas to join friends in celebrating a milestone birthday of a close friend of his. It was a surprise party. We all know that these things usually do not work out. Someone always spoils it or the surprise-ee always figures it out. Apparently, neither of these things happened in this case. In fact, it went off like a charm. The birthday boy was completely surprised. Everyone had a great time. There were a lot of tears as this party included many people the birthday boy had not seen in years. Including my friend. It was truly a magical moment. A treasured moment. A moment that I may never have heard about. I almost missed out on a chance to hear about this incredible time. My friend almost didn't make it to the party. He almost died on the way to Vegas. He is VERY lucky to be alive. You have to know this friend of mine to understand why his near death experience is no surprise to me. He is a hard-working man. A blue-collar, union-member, NASCAR- loving, no-bullshit, kinda guy. When he gets an idea in his head, he goes with it and rarely deviates. He had it in his head that he was going to drive to Vegas when the traffic was light and the sun was down so he was going to leave late and get in there early. Well, this approach is okay if you can stay awake driving at night. I, myself, cannot. He says that he can. He thought he could. As he was cruising the highway at 80 miles per hour his body decided to show him that he, in fact, could not. He nodded. Just for a split second. When he looked up, he was headed off the road and into a guardrail. Something caused him to gently pull the steering wheel to the right allowing him to avoid the guardrail which would have meant instant death. He avoided the guardrail only to go right off of the road and continue forward through the desert landscape on the side of the highway. Hitting nothing, he was able to navigate back on to the highway and regain control of the car. So, between missing the guardrail and not hitting anything while off-roading in his Acura sports car I would say that he was touched by some super-natural power that determined it was not his time. This also happened to my very good friend Connie's son, Trevor. Trevor was not in a car rather, he was hit by one. He was riding his bike home from school when he was hit by a car. Something he probably does 5 days a week for the entire school year. Same route. Same everything. It just so happened that on that day, some young girl (that goes to his school) with a history of driving problems, decided not to pay close enough attention to what she was doing. She hit Trevor. Hard. On his way to the hospital, he wanted to make sure the driver knew that he was okay. I was offered a position as a part-time instructor for a nationally recognized Bartending Academy. That's right. No transition. I just put that out there. It was the third incident that happened and I did not know how to tie it in until after the other stories were told but I didn't know how to segue into it so I just said it. Get over it. Okay, what do these 3 things have in common? What great "secret of life" did I discover as a result of these three "occurrences?" Life is not a toy. It cannot be played with. Life is an object d'art in your Grandma's living room that looks like a toy. You try to play with it. Somehow, as soon as you touch it, a cosmic wave gets sent straight to the nearest adult's spine and they rush into the room to quickly slap you across the face and remove the object from your grasp. That is life. When we think things are okay, when we think we can just cruise along, when we have given up hope, it slaps us. Hard across the face. It makes us realize how precious it is. How important it is. How important we are. It shows us that when we look and don't touch, it will reward us with it's beauty. If we are selfish, and we try to play, it will remind us. It always does.