I know I've touched on this before but.....

Okay, before the perverts who read my blog on a consistent basis ( you know who you are people.... C'mon.....) get too excited by the title, I had better explain. I mean "touched on" as in spoke or written about before. That's it. Nothing nefarious. Nothing sexual. No actual touching will be taking place during the construction of this blog..... Well..... Sort of...... Never mind.... I do not have to justify myself to anyone. Anyway, back to the title. I decided to pick up a topic that has been set aside, for the most part, for quite some time. It is the topic of missing someone or something. I mean the kind of missing that wrenches your gut. I mean the type of missing that keeps you awake at night. I mean the type of missing that makes it difficult for you to focus on any one specific task because you are too busy missing someone or something. Not the kind of missing that makes you say, "Gee, I haven't seen or heard from so and so for a while..." Not the kind of missing where you realize after several days that you forgot to do something or say something to someone or with something because you really didn't care. Not the kind of missing where you are in the middle of something else when you realize you MIGHT have forgotten someone or something. The kind of missing in the first three, aforementioned, scenarios is what this blog is about. Plain and simple. REAL missing. I want to pick apart the first three scenarios and relate them to my present frame of mind and then delve into how I deal with it. Cool? Too bad. I'm gonna anyway. Okay, first scenario. Gut wrenching. Not a very appealing description for a human emotion or reaction to a situation but really, what better way to describe how you feel when you are missing someone. Gut wrenching, I have always felt describes the feeling that someone is literally taking a wrench to your gut, getting a good hold and twisting. It is not a pleasant thought or feeling. It is not meant to be. It is about as close as we can come to describing it without going too far and mixing it with stomach turning, which is something completely different. We just miss them and for some reason there is a physical reaction to this missing. Our gut feels wrenched. Plain and simple. It's it and that's that. The next scenario is being kept awake at night. I do feel as though this is quite self explanatory. Every time you close your eyes to sleep, the image of the person or thing you are missing pops in, unannounced. This causes a conscious and, perhaps, unconscious stream of thoughts that illicit emotions and feelings that are far too powerful to overcome thereby keeping our brain active, thereby preventing us from falling asleep. Your brain is an amaZing tool that does so many things but it is a very fickle tool. It needs certain and specific conditions to shut down temporarily (sleep). Too many emotions and thoughts of a person that we are missing creates an unfavorable condition for our brain to sleep. Hence, no sleep when we miss someone at the level that I am referring to in this blog. The last scenario is missing someone or something so much you are unable to focus on any specific task....... What was I talking about......????? Awww shit..... See what I mean????? Well, I have no clue what I was doing. I need to try to get some sleep though..... Have not been able to lately......And my stomach feels like someone has a wrench clamped down on it.....

Playground Politics were always such a bitch....

Remember in the '80's when the Psychologists' term of the month was "Get in touch with your inner child?" Many of us heard that and laughed. Some of heard that and started becoming concerned about having to register as a sex offender for the amount of times we touched our inner child..... Or maybe that was just me...... Anywho...... (awkward....) The phrase was meant to inspire adults to try to remember what it was like to be a kid. With the proliferation of the yuppie phenomenon and the economy on it's roller-coaster, people started working too much, stressing out all of the time, and just plain wearing themselves out. They went from a Dukes of Hazzard lunchbox to a 3 martini lunch at the little Italian joint downtown almost overnight. They woke up one day with all of this responsibility. No more all nighters with the Star Wars figures... It was stocks, bonds, mortgages, station wagons......and kids. They all of a sudden had to put away G.I. Joe or Barbie and start taking care of this little person on top of everything else. The kids wanted to be kids.... The parents wanted them to grow up. The Psychologists of the time said, "HEY!!!! Let them be kids!!!! Have you forgotten what it was like?" The adults didn't get it. They kept pushing and pushing. So the Psychologists had to come up with a way to grab the attention of said adults and make them WANT to get it. Hence... "Get in touch with your inner child." It had worked on the male population in the '70's. Remember? "Get in touch with your feminine side." The Psychologists figured either it could work on men AND women. Challenge them. Make them prove something. It's human nature to try and show the world that we are capable of doing something the world doesn't think we can do. So, the adults started getting in touch with their inner children. Movies were made about it. Remember Big? Tom Hanks breakout smash hit about the boy who wanted to be big, and then he was , and then he didn't want it anymore. How about Hook? (Yes, I know this one came out in 1991, but for all intents and purposes, it helps the story so back off!!!!!) The story of Peter Pan. Except Peter has grown up. He has forgotten how to "fly, fight, and crow..." It is not until he gets in touch with his Peter within....Hmmmmm.... That does not sound right..... Try something else....It is not until he sees his youth through the eyes of his children that he is able to live again. That's better.... Much better..... So, since the '80's, we have been trying our damnedest to keep this one alive. Whenever we find ourselves stressed, overworked or just plain bummed out, we call up that inner child and ask if they want to play. We bungee jump. We skydive. We dress up at Halloween. We host themed dinner parties that let us just have fun. We take our own kids to concerts and jump and dance and scream as loud as they do. We take them to sporting events and do all of the things we wanted to do as kids but weren't allowed to, like eat polish sausages, cotton candy and peanuts....Then we throw the shells on the ground and order one of those big cookies from the guy walking up and down the aisle just because..... Overall, I think we have done a pretty good job as a society at living up to and proving that we can do this. Sadly, though, there is a large segment of the population that has really fucked this endearing behavior up. There are those who have not only gotten in touch with their inner child, they also gave him a snuggie. They not only reverted back to their childhood ways in their extra-curricular activities, they also brought their child-like behavior into the boardroom. Into the bedroom. For whatever reason, they seem to believe that the playground politics work in everyday life. The philosophies of bullying, cliques, revenge, toy envy, and control have not only crept back into their lives, they have consumed these folks. These sad souls walk around everyday picking on the little guy so they can feel better about themselves. These pathetic people judge others solely by who they hang with as opposed to who they are as a person. These lonesome losers feel that every injustice deserves another injustice in return. These desperate dorks want what the neighbor has so bad that they are willing to destroy the neighbors posession just to make it all even steven again. These confused clowns think that being King Of The Hill gives them the right to push everyone around, even when they are not on the hill anymore. It's sad. It truly is. They have taken a simple, beautiful concept and turned it into something so painful, so hurtful, so goddamn worthless. That is what these people are. Worthless. I know you all know someone like this. You all know a bully. A control freak. An asshole. They are everywhere. They can be in our friendship circles. In our places of employ. In our homes. We may be acquainted with them. Assigned to work with them. Married to them. No matter how it is we come to know these freaks of nature, our number one goal now, and always should, be to avoid them. Get them out of our lives. The can do no good for us. They thrive on our suffering. They live to see our pain. Once we show them no pain, once we stop enduring the suffering and walk away, they lose their power. Just like the bully. Underneath all of the bravado and bullshit is a scared inner child that just wanted to play. Yeah? Well let them go play with themselves. I don't need 'em.

18 floors of heaven.....

Taking a little departure from my usual blog and letting someone else's words do all of the talking for me....(as my fingers on my right hand were burned quite badly in an industrial accident last night that caused me to turn into a maniacal white-faced evil-doer with a penchant for violence and an obsession with the phrase "Ever danced with the Devil in the pale moonlight? I always ask that of all my prey. I just like the sound of it...") I digress. I just wanted to share the lyrics to a song by a band that I only recently discovered. The band is Blue October and the song is 18th Floor Balcony. It amazed me that the band known for Hate Me could write such an amazing ballad that speaks to me on sooooo many levels. It's on my playlist on this page. Listen to it! LISTEN TO IT DAMMIT!!!!!! Good stuff, Maynard!! Love to you all!!!



18th Floor Balcony
by Blue October


I Close My Eyes
And I Smile
Knowing That Everything Is Alright
To The Core
So Close That Door
Is This Happening?
My Breath Is On Your Hair
I'm Unaware
That You Opened The Blinds And Let The City In
God, You Held My Hand
And We Stand
Just Taking In Everything.
And I Knew It From The Start
So My Arms Are Open Wide
Your Head Is On My Stomach
And We're Trying So Hard Not To Fall Asleep
Here We Are
On This 18th Floor Balcony.
We're Both Flying Away.

So We Talked About Mom's And Dad's
About Family Pasts
Just Getting To Know Where We Came From
Our Hearts Were On Display
For All To See
I Can't Believe This Is Happening To Me
And I Raised My Hand As If To Show You That I Was Yours
That I Was So Yours For The Taking
I'm So Yours For The Taking
That's When I Felt The Wind Pick Up
I Grabbed The Rail While Choking Up
These Words To Say And Then You Kissed Me...
I Knew It From The Start
So My Arms Are Open Wide
Your Head Is On My Stomach
And We're Trying So Hard Not To Fall Asleep
Here We Are
On This 18th Floor Balcony...

We're Both Flying Away.

And I'll Try To Sleep
To Keep You In My Dreams
'til I Can Bring You Home With Me
I'll Try To Sleep
And When I Do I'll Keep You In My... Dreams

I Knew It From The Start
So My Arms Are Open Wide
Your Head Is On My Stomach
And We're Trying So Hard Not To Fall Asleep
So Here We Are
On This 18th Floor Balcony
I Knew It From The Start
My Arms Are Open Wide
Your Head Is On My Stomach
No, We're Not Going To Sleep
Here We Are
On This 18th Floor Balcony... We're Both..Flying Away

Confusion is nothing new.....

"Do you ever think of yourself as actually dead lying in a box with a lid on it? Nor do I really. It's silly to be depressed by it. I mean, one thinks of it like being alive in a box, and one keeps forgetting to take into account the fact that one is dead... which should make all the difference... shouldn't it? I mean, you'd never know you were in a box, would you? It would be just like you were asleep in a box. Not that I'd like to sleep in a box, mind you, not without any air, you'd wake up dead for a start, and then where would you be? In a box. That's the bit I don't like frankly. That's why don't think of it. Because you'd be helpless! Stuffed in a box like that, I mean, you'd be in there forever. Even taking into account the fact that you're dead, it isn't a pleasant thought. Especially if you're dead really... ask yourself, if I asked you straight off... I'm going to stuff you in this box now, would you rather be alive or dead. Naturally, you prefer to be alive. Life in a box is better than no life at all. I expect. You'd have a chance at least. You could lie there thinking well, at least I'm not dead! In a minute somebody is going to bang on the lid and tell me to come out. Hey, you! What's yer name!Come out of there!"

Oh man.... I love this quote. Wish I could take credit for it. Can't though. Have to give credit where credit is due. The monologue on death and dying above was written by Tom Stoppard. An extremely talented playwright and screenwriter. The quote itself is from his brilliant play entitled, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead. Truly, in my opinion, one of the most amazing modern plays written. Original, hilarious, innovative and surreal this play follows two characters from Shakespeare's classic tragedy Hamlet as they are summoned by the king to find out what is wrong with Hamlet. The men named in the title are actual characters from the original Hamlet albeit very small and rather insignificant but Tom Stoppard decided to make something of them. There was a movie made starring Gary Oldman and Tim Roth as the title characters. Great movie! Very hard to find. If you come across it, watch it. I know what you are saying right.... "Okay, fat man (although you would be incorrect in giving me that moniker as I am rapidly losing weight so perhaps "fluffy man" would be more appropriate... just a suggestion...), this is a nice review and advertisement for a 40 year old play and a 17 year old movie that we may never see but what does is have to do with anything? You usually write insightful, flowing, moving blogs that inspire, touch and motivate us to a goal... This is just informative.... What gives?" I know that is what at least 60-70% of you were thinking... C'mon.... Admit it.... I will tell you what it's about. I always do, don't I? Go back up and re-read the quote. I have done it in color, mimicking the style of my dear friend Connie and her penchant for having colorful blogs with quotes clearly separated by striking colors, so that you can easily focus on reading just the quote. Done it? Read the quote again? Okay, now, who does that sound like? Think hard. Of all of the people you may know, who among them would come up with something like this? If you guessed me, you are just as brilliant as I am. Every time I have heard, read or thought about this quote, I have said to myself, "This sounds like me... It sounds like my brain.... Confused, concerned, logical with a great deal of illogical sprinkled throughout..." This quote is the sum total of how my mind operates on a daily basis. Point/Counterpoint. Sensible/Non-Sensible. Real/Surreal. These attributes found in all streams of consciousness. Whether I am pondering my breakfast choice or the meaning of life. I am a walking accident when it comes to thought. I feel as though I should be walking around with a sign on my chest that reads.."Please Do Not Feed The Bear... (...anything that might make him think) At least with a sign like this, I can avoid the headaches that are not uncommon on any given day due to the inconsiderate moron who asks me what I think about the Presidential elections. Still confused as to what in the Hell I am talking about? Don't hurt yourself. So am I.

Shut Up, Head!!! My heart has something to say....

This blog is one of the thousands that I have running through my head at any given time. Most of them are fragmented thoughts that, were I to print them, may just get me arrested. Some of them are floating around in wiener world just waiting for that right thought to make them whole and printable. Then there are those like today's that are there. Up front. Whole and complete. Merely waiting for the right moment in time to emerge. This topic has been ready for a while. I have been quite busy lately and unable to sit long enough to type it so here it goes...

It is often said that we humans "think" with several parts of our body depending on the situation. We all know that our parts can't REALLY think for us but I am quite sure you know what I mean. You have been walking all day and you are tired. Someone says to you, "Wanna go further?" and your reply is , " I want to but my feet don't think I should..." You have just finished a big meal at your favorite restaurant. You are stuffed. The server comes by and says, " Dessert?" to which you might reply, "No thanks. My tummy doesn't think that would be a good idea." You are sitting out in front of your parent's house late one night with the girl/guy of your dreams and the conversation goes from mild to wild and the next thing you know hands are wandering and she whispers, "Don't you want me?" at which time you say three things "One certain part of me, which I will not mention, says yes, my head (brain, you perverts) says an emphatic no, and my heart says wait. I am going with my heart." All of these situations may seem quite familiar to many of you and you may find yourselves saying that you know exactly what I mean. Do you? Do you really? I hope so because I really want you to agree with what I am about to say. Out of all the responses above, the only one that a body part made that I feel is the right one, is the one made by the heart. Yep. The heart. The one body part that is so often accused of being irrational. Making decisions based solely on emotion. It's the body part that has been hailed as the strongest muscle in the body yet it so easily broken. It can beat loud and proud in a person one day.... and then just quit the next. Even with all of these contradictions and opinions, I have found in my life that when I have let my heart be the deciding vote, in the long run, I have been much happier. Let's look at the scenarios.... Walking all day and you need to go further..... If you let your feet decide, then you will stop. What if you are only at mile 55 of a 60 mile walk that you committed to and raised money for and are doing for the loved ones in your life that have or may someday suffer from Breast Cancer? How would you feel if you stopped there? Your heart tells you to keep going. So you do. You are at the restaurant and you are faced with a decision of whether or not to indulge.... Let's just say that for this one, I just have to think about the old saying "Life's short, eat dessert first." I know it's not good for you. I know it may add a pound or two. I also know I never want to regret anything. I do not want to be on my death bed saying...."I shoulda had the apple pie..." Some of you may say I am justifying my poor eating habits. I'll have you know, I have dropped 20+ lbs recently and have never felt better... and I still have the apple pie now and again... guilt free... regret free... I listened to my heart... Dammit! The last scenario is the most profound because it involves so many body parts. When things escalate to a level with members of the opposite sex where some sort of racy involvement seems inevitable, there are many factors that must be considered. These factors are often considered by three very (VERY) powerful body parts. The first being the naughty bits... At this point, these bad boys/girls are considering these factors with the reckless abandon of a 5 year old at Chuck E Cheese. Oh man.... These parts have made their mind up as to what needs to happen before she/he gets the whole question out. How much rational thinking can one do in that much time. The second part is the brain. Often regarded as the strongest and most rational of the body parts. It is where all of the grey matter is. All of the nerves, all of the feelings, all of the senses report to the brain. Does this make it the best decision maker? Just because it's the boss? Let's ask the poor boys forced into becoming SS soldiers in WWII if they think the boss is always the best way to go. Let's ask the men, women and children of Jonestown who gave their lives to a leader who said he knew what was best for them as he fed them cyanide laced Kool-Aid and watched them die. Think they believe now that just because you are "the boss" that you know what is best. I know, these seem extreme. They are. They prove the point though. The brain is just as fallible as the rest of the body. Prone to persuasion. Easily manipulated. I truly believe that the heart is the only one in the last scenario that was thinking clearly. It always does. Think about it. Go through all of the big decisions in your mind that have taken place through the years. How many times that you TRULY LISTENED to your heart, did it ever steer you wrong. I know for a fact in the above scenario, when faced by this very writer, the heart was soooooo very right. By going with the heart that night, all that time ago, I was able to see the possibilities that are still there. Had I listened to either of the other parts, or any other part for that matter, I may not be as happy as I am this very day. Things WOULD be different. I believe this with all of my heart...

I know what it's like to soar like the eagles... (Just a quick note)

I have always admired birds of prey. In fact, if I were to list my dream jobs, the order would be something like this...

1) Major League Baseball Umpire- Thank you Jim Evans and your Southwest Classic Umpire School (and Ted Barrett, current Major League Umpire) for getting me as close as my 34 year old body would have ever gotten to being one. It was amazing!!!!

2) Wildlife Specialist with an emphasis in Orithology. I know just about as much as anyone should care to know about the Birds of Prey native to Arizona. They fascinate me. Always have, always will.

3) Part owner and GM of my own Irish Pub/restaurant. This one is the most attainable.... Well, duh!!!!!

So, you can see, my fascination with Birds of Prey runs pretty deep. I will have to say at this point that my favorite Bird of Prey is the Eagle. More specifically, the Bald Eagle. No, not because we have the Bald thing in common. It has more to do with the majestic qualities they possess. There was one instance where I was able to witness thier majestic beauty in all of it's glory. It was very early one summer morning and I had gone to the Salt/Verde River convergance for some alone time and fishing. I was (as usual) catching nothing when a shadow crossed my line of sight. I knew instantly what it was. A Bald Eagle. Soaring. I was so envious. I wanted to know how that felt. How it felt to be above the world. Looking down. Totally free. Totally unrestrained by any and all of the trappings the earth has to offer. Circling above the stress, the fear, the pain. Looking down on it with a grin knowing that for the time being, it had no control. Only the sky, the wind currents and my desire to focus on. Well, I gotta tell ya... I now know. I know what that feeling is like. Truly amazing. Words cannot truly give life to the depths of happiness I have experienced during my soaring. I have soared with the eagles above a Gold Canyon and I never want to land.

I know why Al Capone chose the day for a massacre...

So, I made a promise to myself this year. Wanna know what is was? Of course you do. I promised myself that this year, I was not going to face Valentine's Day with my usual cynicism and disdain. I was not going to decry the superficial and commercial nature of a "holiday" that was, more or less, created for the greeting card industry.... Oh..... Dammit..... That was cynical, huh?..... Okay, from this point on, no more... I was not going to wallow in self-pity because I, once again, was going to spend this holiday alone... working... without anyone to "be" with. That's not cynical. Them's just the facts. I will not be celebrating with someone. Physically. No, I don't mean sex, you perverts (although it is also true that I will not be playing any "under the sheet games" this year on Valentine's Day). What I mean by "physically," is that I got to thinking. Yes, I have a headache as a result but listen.... Do we really need to have our "Valentines" with us in order for the holiday to be enjoyable? My answer to this is a resounding, "No!" How do I figure? It has to be possible. That's how I figure. It's the only way that I will be able to make it through another one. It's the only way for me to stave off the depression and anger that I have experienced during that day for the past several years. For those of you doing the math, I do mean several years and that is more than the 5 you may be thinking... Still not following? Simply put, I cannot remember the last good Valentine's Day that I had. It has been MANY years. So, in order for this one to be different, I have to trust that the conventional rules of celebrating the day are open for interpretation. Okay, here goes my interpretation. My keys to a good Valentine's Day. Feel free to copy and paste these interpretations for your own benefit... First of all, we must define our "Valentine." Conventional celebratory rules will have you believe that this person must be our spouse, fiancee', girlfriend/boyfriend, lover, mate, bestest buddy (FWB), or our favorite booty call. These are all true for most. For some, like myself, these are not present in our lives. Does this mean we are void of love? Does this imply that we cannot have a "Valentine" if we have none of the aforementioned persons in our life? Conventional celebrations will say that. My interpretation? If you have someone in your heart that you would like to be one of these things, but for whatever reason... i.e. timing, distance, morality, restraining order... they can't be, I say that they qualify. I think that if your heart is filled with "true love" for someone that is not one of the above, that person can and should be your "Valentine." Second of all, we must decide what being with them means. Do they have to be right next to you? Must you spend the whole day together? Is dinner a foregone conclusion? Conventional celebrating: Yes Bradley's interpretation: Hell no! If your "Valentine" as defined by me cannot be near you for some reason... i.e. timing.... well, you know... then you should be able to celebrate with them in absentia. The mind is a powerful tool. Imagination can create wonderful scenarios. Don't go too far, though. Especially if restraining order is one of the reasons that you are going by my interpretaion. The last thing I think needs some interpretation is the expectation factor. What do I get my "Valentine?" Candy? Flowers? Lingere'? I am sure you know, by now, that Conventional celebrating agrees with all of the above and then some. My interpretation? How about telling your "Valentine" how much they have filled your heart with joy? Letting them know through well spoken words or well written sentences that without them, you would not know how the sun would rise everyday for you. If they were not in your heart, your would have no need for a heart at all. They have improved your life to the point that you can see no more room for improvement (except maybe get in better shape, quit smoking, and lower your blood pressure). These things would mean so much more than a stuffed animal or a bouquet of roses. At least, I like to think so. There you have it. My interpretation of Valentine's Day. I hope I can be strong and follow my own advice.... I don't hope I can, I know I can. I have to....