Did you miss me? I'm baaaaaaaack.....

It has been a while since I last wrote. I feel as though I am slacking. Losing focus. Letting down my muse. I mean, here my muse has done so much to make me the writer that I have become, and there I am.... Not writing. Now, admittedly, the genius that is me cannot just spew forth the brilliance that is my writing at the drop of a hat. More often than not, inspiration is needed. There must be a catalyst. Am I trying to sit here and tell you people that nothing has inspired me of late? Have things been so uninteresting in my life that I have been driven to total silence? Truth be told.... No. Things have actually been quite interesting. A great deal of roller coaster occurrences. What are "roller coaster occurrences?" These are things that happen that mimic the fast-paced, up and down and side to side motion of a roller coaster. Sometimes you are laughing and enjoying yourself. Sometimes you are screaming at the top of your lungs and trying to remember where you keep the change of clothes because you just pissed yourself. Sometimes you are stoic and numb knowing what is just about to happen. All of these things happen during "roller coaster occurrences." Separate, they are enough to drive a sane person to lose their mind. Somehow, all together, they bring about a certain euphoria and level of peace that one cannot find anywhere else. At least, for most people. For myself, separate or together, I hate that shit. Never been a fan of roller coasters. This is not to say that I am your typical milquetoast/vanilla/boring old fat guy. I have my adventurous side. I can be dangerous. How many of you have captured a wild rattlesnake with your bare hands? Ever grabbed a Desert Hairy Scorpion by the tail to remove it from an area occupied by friends and family? I am going to guess that none of or very few of you have. I am not saying I am into boring and plain. I just hate roller coasters. All of them. When I first went on Space Mountain, I spent the entire time visualizing my head being removed by one of the low beams that I was flying past at 5000 mph. I was a hoot at Cedar Point. Oh, I went on damn near every freaking roller coaster that place offers simply because I was told that I was too chicken to do so. I was not too chicken. I went on them. Hated every Goddamn minute of it, though. I think the fascination with the death machines is overrated. Same way I feel that life's little ups and downs are overrated. The ups can be amazing. I have been riding a certain high, for instance, since Christmas time. One area of my life has proven to be very rewarding. Other parts, however, have been one disappointment after the other. I am quite tired of this. Do I want everything to go my way all of the time? Is that how I think life needs to, should and must be? Well, uhhhh, yeah!!!! Of Course!!!! What the Hell is wrong with you???

One more quick thought....

After finishing the last blog I just wrote, I was sitting on the back patio with a Pall Mall in one hand and my head in the other when a quote popped into my head. A quote that I have said to many who know me. Actually, if you have met and talked to me at all, I have probably said this one to you and for someone I know, it has never been more apropos than right at this very moment. I hope they get a chance to stop by and read it and as for the rest of you, keep it in your hearts as well for the times that it may just be the one thought that saves your life. Here it goes...

" I know what Burt is going through right now. It's the loneliest feeling in the world. It's like walking down a dark, empty street with only the sound of your footsteps. And all you have to do is knock on any door and say "If you let me in, I'll live the way YOU want me to live and I'll think the way YOU want me to think," and all of the blinds will go up. And all of the doors will be open. And you'll never be lonely, ever again. " -Henry Drummond (Spencer Tracy), Inherit the Wind

Words to live by, my dear friends. Words to live by. I love you all, so very much. Thank you for enriching my life in ways that I will never be able to repay you for. I hope these words will find a place in your heart. A place as important as the one they are kept in, in my heart.

I am a damn good writer... Guess that makes me a lover, not a fighter...

I find myself reading my own writing from time to time. When the e-mails have been checked and replied to, all MySpace silliness dispensed with, and all blogs written by others read, I like to go to my blogs for a good laugh or two. Maybe even for a cry. Many times for a cry. There are a few things that I have written that really stand out to me. A few of my ramblings that have truly impacted who I am and who I have become over the last 7 or 8 months. I have done a great deal of growing during this time and have discovered a great many things about myself that I thought were long gone. There are some things I thought had died inside of me that I have come to learn were merely comatose, waiting for the right moment to emerge. All of this aside, the one thing that has struck the biggest cord in me is my writing. Until Tuesday, June 26th, 2007 at 12:09am, I had not done a blog. I had never poured my feelings out and put them somewhere for the world to see. That first time was because I was feeling so very much emotion about a situation that I was experiencing I felt I had no choice. I had to get it out, one way or another. I found it therapeutic. I found it exciting. I started to write more. Familiar with the snowball effect? Something just keeps getting bigger and bigger as it rolls on and on... That is a fair description of what this forum has become for me. My stories range from the funny to the sad, short to the long, serious to the hilarious. Everything in between. I am so proud of some of them. Kind of ashamed of others. All of them have meaning. Some a lot more than others. They have all been interwoven by one common thread though. One thing has made them all come to fruition. What has done this? What has inspired all of you to laugh, cry, gag, and enjoy right along side of me? My Muse. I found my Muse that fateful night in June. What is my Muse? What is a Muse? Well, without going into a great deal of historical detail regarding the Greek legend of the Muse, suffice it to say that one's Muse is one's inspiration to create. Your muse may come in many forms. Human form. Animal form. Inanimate objects. Whatever. Doesn't matter. My Muse came to me and that was it. I was hooked. I have been unable to shake the need to write since then. I am glad I have not. Going back and reading, I have found so many treasures! So many wonderful words! "An Open Letter To The One Who Has My Heart" was truly a masterpiece, if I do say so myself. Raw and real. True feelings. Real emotion. Then there was "I knew it, dammit.... I knew it.... Oh.... I'm over it." The blog that has inspired a novel. Norman. Remember him? Still working on him. Not as easy as I thought it would be but he is there. Again, inspired by my Muse and written from the heart about having too many good days in a row. I will not soon forget the one entitled "Ooo...Ow...Ouch... I hate when I do that." This gem was written during a VERY difficult time for me and yet somehow, I managed to find some humor and put it into my writing. I also inspired one of the most incredible responses to any of the things I have ever written. None of you got to see the response as it was not public but I am compelled to share it with you now. The blog was based on an actual event. The person involved read what I wrote. The next day I got an e-mail with a picture in it and a few words. The picture was of this person's hand and a remote control. The words were simple but powerful. "We are ready if you are." Yeah, crying right now. Don't know what the Hell I am talking about? Go back and read it. You'll get it. Then I come across "Some Enchanted Evening..." Again, inspired by an actual event, I am whisked away when reading this one. Placed right in the very moment the connection that the blog refers to was made. It was so powerful. I recently got word that one reader felt the same way in a recent encounter they had. It was nice to hear. Then I come to my most recent writing. The one about "Goodbye." Such a sad word that came from such good intentions. It is a shortened and bastardized version of "God Be With You..." Yeah, I see how they got goodbye from that.... Anyway, as I re-read the "Goodbye" blog, I realized how much I hate goodbye. I am not talking about mild irritation. I mean hate. It is what has me crying right now. It is what is turning my stomach as I write. It is why I am struggling right now to finish this blog. Damn, I am a good writer. I even mess myself up with what I write...

Is there any such thing as a "good" goodbye?

As I sit in front of my computer shortly after midnight on this the first day of 2008 it dawn's on me that this is not only a day to welcome a New Year, it is also a time to say goodbye to an Old Year... All of the television networks have some sort of countdown to help us say goodbye to the year, i.e. The Year's Best Sports Moments, This Year in Weather, Train wrecks of the Year, The Year of the Amazing Orgasm Review... okay, okay... I made the last one up... Although, if I was the Head of Programming for any major network or the Playboy Channel that would be one of the countdowns. Trust me. These countdowns are intended to fill us with laughter and joy and fond memories of the year that has gone by. They are meant to instill us with warm fuzzies at a time that, really, can be quite difficult depending on the year we had. I look at it differently. I have a different perspective. Are you surprised? I didn't think so. You know that I have to skew just about everything. I get off on it. Here it goes.... The countdowns are shown every year at this time to deflect us from realizing that we are saying "Goodbye." We are letting go of the year that was, and let's face it people, "Goodbye" is never a good thing. Before you people say that never is a poor choice in this case I would like to ask that you shut the Hell up until my point is made. Ooooo... that was harsh... Well, shoot, y'all try to get ahead of me too much. Moving on... Look deep and hard into your past. By past I mean as recently as yesterday afternoon and as far back as you can clearly remember. Think about as many goodbyes as you can think of. Any of them good? Now I know that some are thinking, "Well, there were some people and places and situations that I was glad to say goodbye to..." I understand that. I do. Think about it, though. If you were glad to say goodbye, then something was very wrong, ergo, no such thing as a "good" goodbye. May I move on please? I can think of several goodbyes in my life that I can honestly say have affected me a great deal. Some of them because of the permanence in the goodbye. Some because of the incertitude that accompanies the goodbye. Some just because they did not go the way that you wanted them to (to which I would ask, "Do they ever?"). I have had all three of these types of goodbyes throughout my 34 years. I can recall a difficult one that fell into the permanence category. It was with the cat that adopted my family when I was around 10. He was an outside cat that moved to our backyard when his owners (our neighbors) moved to Utah. They asked if we could take care of him and before they were gone, he was in our yard looking for food and love. Both of which were provided and subsequently, the love was returned. He was my rock during those tough, awkward, early teens years. I would retreat to the backyard, full of teenage angst and distraught by the treatment I had received from some girl in Jr High and this cat would come from ANYWHERE in the neighborhood. He was tuned into my brooding. He would arrive just as I flopped down into the lounge chair in disgust. He would jump on my lap and look at me as if to commiserate. It was great. Well, he lived by the sword as an outdoor cat. As a result he was to die by the sword. An abscess that was the result of a fight ended up getting infected rather quickly and rather than allowing him to suffer, the Vet suggested that we put him down. I remember being left with him in the room for a moment and this big, strong, tough teenager balled his eyes out saying goodbye to his com padre. It sucked. Hard core. The incertitude types of goodbyes are usually applied to break-ups. You never know how it will end, really. It is such a pain in the ass. The ones that didn't go the way you wanted them to? Too numerous to count, right? How many times did you prepare yourself for a certain goodbye (grandma, cousins, best friend from the old neighborhood) only to have it take too long, end too quickly or just not go well at all? A lot, huh? Don't tell me no! If you are, you are just being a pain. You know it. Here is the question of the day. Ever had a goodbye that encompassed all three of the above? One that was filled with incertitude, jam- packed with a perceived or possible permanence, and that just wasn't what you wanted it to be? The Tri-Fecta of the Shitty Goodbyes. Often, with these types of goodbyes, there is a great deal of love and well-intentioned emotion. You want to make the goodbye as easy as possible. You want it to be the one that is going to be good. It becomes clear almost the moment you see the person that it will not be good. It is almost tangible. The tension. The sadness. The reality. It hits you like a ton of bricks. Even though you are here in front of me right now, you are here to say "Goodbye." Goodbye is never good. Remember I said that earlier? A couple of times? So, you smile. You make small talk, you hug, maybe kiss, maybe gently yet tentatively hold hands... Only prolonging the inevitable. Hold back the tears. Don't let them know how you are dying inside. Remember, this was supposed to be good. It is a given that you would much prefer to have seen them before they were gone. You needed that "one last time." A given but not necessarily the best choice considering how you feel as you walk away.... Unable to look back for fear of breaking down completely... It was a good thing... Just not a"good" goodbye... Remember, none of them are.

Just a quick note....

This is a copy of the letter I just wrote to a local newspaper columnist regarding some advice I had taken from him. I thought that on this day before Christmas, it might be a bit of an inspiration for some. Thank you for reading!!!

Dear Clay,


I am an avid reader of your column. I admire your work a great deal and being the trivia/ "useless information" buff that I am, I find myself using your column as a source of wisdom(?). With this is in mind, I must also mention that I have recently used your column as a source of advice. I took my 6 year old shopping this last week. It was the morning your column mentioned that we should remember how difficult this time of year is for cashiers and retail employees in general. Standing in line at one of the Mega Stores, I noticed how flustered and haggard the retirement aged cashier was. It had been a long day and the goobers in front of me were not making things any easier. Then once my daughter and I reached the front of the line, one of the items I had for purchase would not scan so, frustrated, she had to go through the steps of entering the item in manually. As she was doing this I instructed my 6 year old to get me a bag of M & M's. She brought the M & M's with a great deal of excitement (thinking they were hers) and I handed them to the cashier. The cashier rang them and started to hand them to my sweet patootie and I stopped her. I said, "No, those are for you." She looked at me confused for a moment. My daughter had the same strange look on her face. I calmly mentioned that her day was more difficult than ours and that she could probably use them more. She was speechless and bleary eyed. The woman behind me just thought that was the neatest thing she had ever seen in all of her 70 years. My daughter informed the cashier, after figuring out what Daddy was doing, that "That's called giving. It's what you do at Christmas." Thank you Clay. Thank you for teaching me a new way to enjoy this time of year. Thank you for showing me a new way to teach my daughter about this time of year. Thank you for doing what you do. You have helped this part-time Grinch expand his tiny heart 3 sizes bigger.

Sincerely,

Bradley Jones

I am due for another music blog, how about y'all?

Here he goes again. It seems like every time the fat guy adds some new songs to his playlist we gotta listen to him ramble endlessly about the power of music, or adding a soundtrack to our lives, blah, blah, blah.... Yeah, well, ya know what???!!!! Bite me. This one, like ALL of the other blogs about music is very near and dear to me for a few reasons. First, because it is about music. Music being a major influence and force in my life. Second, because of the songs that I did add to my list tonight and why I added them. Finally, this blog is near and dear because I am going to talk about fishing poles, people, and Sha-Na-Na. What? Just relax, it will all tie together. Bear with me. Okay, music. Yes it's a driving force in my life etc.. etc.... Yes, you all know how important it is to me. Especially at this time of year. Many of you who know me, know that this time of year has always been a rough time for me. Not due to any tragedy or any Santa related creepiness..... Just have always been kind of a Grinch.... Until Vivian came along. Having kids will change your view of many things. Including those things you thought you would NEVER change your mind about. Like Christmas. Don't get me wrong. I have not been transformed into a fan of the times. Just softened up a bit. Around her. Still pretty much a Grinch whenever I get the chance. Especially when it comes to Christmas songs. Sure, I remember singing all the old versions of the songs growing up. Jimmy Boyd's version of "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus." Gene Autry belting out "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer." Brenda Lee telling us about "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree." I remember singing along with all of 'em. As I got older, though, they started to lose their charm. Over and over again. It was awful. They just kept playing them. On TV. On the radio. In the stores. At the restaurants. I got to the point where I was not only a Grinch because of the time of year but also because of the music of the time of the year. That was until I heard two different songs that forever warped me into a blubbering idiot whenever I heard them. Now, as you know, with me, I am not afraid to admit that a great deal of music stirs strong emotions in me. What you didn't know is that "The Little Drummer Boy" by Jars of Clay and "Do They Know It's Christmas" By Band-Aid and/or the Barenaked Ladies (either version is amazing) will reduce this Agnostic Christmas hater into a pile of teary blubber. Yep. A song about the birth of Jesus Christ and a song about a bunch of starving kids in Africa touch my soul in ways reserved only for Cyndi Lauper, Ben E. King, and the Monkees. Strange, huh? I think so. I have no idea why. I have heard many versions of "The Little Drummer Boy" and have enjoyed a few of them at one time or another. None of them do to me what the aforementioned version does. Cannot, will not, and don't want to try and explain. Deal with it. As far as the starving African kids? Don't know why that one does it either. It may be because of the one line sung by Bono in the original version... "...well tonight, Thank God it's them, instead of you..." There is such venom behind his voice that I think he put there on purpose. It worked on me. Got me thinking. Realizing no matter how rough things are on me this time of year, someone is suffering even more. Some don't even know what Christmas is or what it is all about. Not the religious aspect, the season in general. The giving. The receiving. The love. The family. The spirit. The stories. The laughter. The tears. The memories. All of these things make this time of year what it is. These two songs help me remember this. What are your songs? Finally... Fishing poles, people and Sha-Na-Na. There was quite a bit of controversy on my last blog when it posted on myspace. Seems like I led everyone to believe that there was some woman out there that I wanted real bad but couldn't, shouldn't and have not had. Well, I will stand here now and say that y'all are only partly right. Which part is right? I will never, EVER tell. Especially since y'all got so worked up. I have said that it could have been a fishing pole that I was talking about. It may have been a Light-Up Nativity Scene using the original cast of Sha-Na-Na (featuring Bowzer as the Christ Child). I am not telling if it was one of these things or a person. What I am going to say is relax.... Try not to think too hard about it.... It's Christmas time!

Oh yeahhh!!!! I'm gettin' all biblical on yer ass!!!!!

Well, I started another blog a few days ago and intend to finish it but I have another issue I would like to discuss at the present time. It is not necessarily a pressing issue or one that demands immediate attention. It's an issue that has been hanging around me for some time now and I thought I would put it out there for you folks to mull over. Perhaps after reading, some of you may even commiserate. If you are not able to determine from the title that this will be a biblically themed blog, please stop reading and go lie down. Biblically themed, eh? What particular Bible story would the Agnostic like to speak about? What part of a book that I find it so difficult to believe would pique my interest enough to write about? Adam and Eve. More specifically, the forbidden fruit. Yes, that's right. I am going to go there people. I have to. I have avoided this subject like the plague and have spent a great deal of time and effort stepping around it but I have to just step right in it. Cannot avoid it any more. What do I mean by the forbidden fruit? That which we want, but can't have. It is that simple. The forbidden fruit (for you heathens) was a reference in the Bible to fruit from the Tree of Knowledge in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam and Eve (the first humans according to the Bible. Again, for the heathens) not to eat fruit from the Tree and, of course, they did. Got themselves thrown right out of the Garden, they did. So throughout history, whenever someone has wanted something that they just cannot have, it has been referred to as wanting some forbidden fruit. So, tell me people, am I the only one? Am I the only fool in this world who has experienced this to the extreme that I find myself experiencing this now? Wait a minute.... Back up, fat man..... Did you say "experiencing this NOW?" What is it you want that you cannot have? What is it that has inspired you to write this amazing blog about Adam and Eve and fruit etc.....? Is there something (or someone) that you long for? Are you pining for something (or someone) that you just cannot have? Do you find yourself yearning for something (or someone) that is not yours? Yeah, like I am telling y'all. You people should know me better than that by now. I will just say that it is possible that there is something (or someone) I would really like to have and it just does not seem like I can or will so I want to know that I am suffering with others. Ever heard the saying "Misery Loves Company?" I need to know that there are those of you in my vast reader audience that know what I am talking about. I need to feel like it's okay to feel this. I have to tell you, it is the strangest feeling I have ever experienced. It is such a jumbled mess of several other emotions. Both good and bad. Mostly good, but the bad (pining, yearning, wanting) tend to be very strong. This combination makes the whole situation similar to an addiction. Want it, can't have it, makes you want it more.... Sounds like addiction to me. Textbook. What I am yearning for is not any substance of an addictive nature. I will tell you that much. Would not put this much effort into writing about a craving for a 'tini. Believe me. This is much more real. More tangible. More difficult. It deals with matters of both the mind and the heart. Well, I guess I should hold on to the other old saying, "This too, shall pass." ...I hope to Hell it doesn't...