To Err Is Human....

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. A LOT. Some of the mistakes have been worse than others. Some of them did not even appear to be mistakes, but they were. No matter what degree they were, or how bad they were, or how small they were, they were mistakes. I am human. Fallible, by design. I could get all biblical on you people and site Chapter and Verse from the Good Book all of the references made to how prone we as humans are to making mistakes. Bad judgements. Doing bad things, in general. It wouldn't do me any good to rehash all of the Verses because y'all know them. Even those of you who are not all that religious. We have heard these sayings and have been exposed to most of them all of our lives. There is some truth in all of them, though. My favorite one is, "To err is human, to forgive is divine." I am not 100% sure where this quote came from and if I was industrious enough at this particular moment, I would try to find is by Googling it or something but I will just say it is an old and wise Proverb. It is a simple statement that means just what it says. To fuck things up is a human quality but to forgive those fuck ups is a Godly thing. It's as close as we can get to "playing God" without getting ourselves in trouble for it. Most of the time, when we try to play God, it is usually not for the right reasons or it is for our own gain. Forgiveness is never wrong and it is not usually for just our own good. Forgiveness is divine. The old Proverb says so. We need to see this for what it is. It is not a blanket "Free Pass" for those around us to do what they want and not expect consequences. It is a way for us to move on from the things that have been perpetuated upon us. It is a way for those who have wronged to reflect on what they have done and realize that it can NEVER happen again if they expect more forgiveness in the future. It is a way for those who have been wronged to purge their souls of hate and hurt that may be lingering. Hate and hurt are not good to have lurking on the inside of the human body. Okay, I just found out who said the quote. It was Alexander Pope. There, I feel better and I am sure y'all do too. Now I don't have to ask for Alexander Pope's forgiveness. But I am asking for anyone who reads this blog, that I have wronged somehow, for your forgiveness. I made a mistake. A huge mistake. A little mistake. Whichever it was and whoever you are. Is this really the way for me to get forgiveness? In some tacky form letter? It is probably not the best way for me to get the forgiveness I need. It is probably not right on so many levels but it is the only way I know to get it out there for all of those who I may have hurt or caused pain to without actually confronting them when they don't want to hear from me. I am at my amends step in AA and I am going to have to confront you people anyway. This is just a way for me to get the blow softened if that is possible. The more I type, the less I feel like this is a good idea. I am going to publish this anyway, but I want you people to know that it is being published with much trepidation. I guess I have to ask for your forgiveness for writing this now, eh?

Simplicity People.... Simplicity....

So the scene is something like this... A group of 30 somethings sit around a conference table with a phone in the center of the table. One of said people is talking to someone on the speaker phone when the person on the phone excuses himself and places our room of people on hold. Hold music is heard and our intrepid group all look at each other sheepishly. Next thing you know they break out into a mean game of musical chairs to the tinkling of the hold music. When our phone person returns, mayhem ensues as our group is sent darting for the chairs that remain. This is the premise for a Chili's commercial and is totally visual. I cannot do it justice in describing it in this medium but I must convey to you people that the first time I saw this commercial, I belly laughed. I have belly laughed on every subsequent viewing. The premise of this commercial is so damn simple. I am shocked that no one has done it before. I am even more shocked that the folks at Chili's and their ad agency came up with it. Not some sketch or comedic movie writer. Sometimes, the simplest of premises make up the funniest of situations. It never ceases to amaze me how true this is. In almost all aspects of life. Television, multimedia, radio, film. All of these mediums prove to us over and over again that the simpler you make something, the better it can be. The funnier. The easier. Simplicity. We try so hard these days to complicate everything. We over-analyze. We scrutinize. We beat a point to death. If we could just learn to simplify things that happen to us or in situations that we encounter on a day to day basis, I truly believe we would be much happier people in general. There is an old acronym that I believe started in the sales world. K.I.S.S. It stands for Keep It Simple Stupid. Not the friendliest way to put it but one way to put it nonetheless. We need to clear our heads and get back to basics. Down to the nitty gritty. Stop making things too important. This is going to be a short one people. It has taken me quite some time to print this from conception and I am not quite sure why.... Probably thought about it too hard.... See what I mean????!!!!!

Has Anyone Seen My Muse....?

It's strange. I have not written anything in quite some time. The strange part? I have had nothing to write about. There was a time when these babies used to come flowing out of me like lava from a volcano and now I can't find anything to write about that seems to be worth a damn. Not like I'm not trying either. I really am. I think the problem is I am censoring myself too much. I keep thinking of topics and then I decide not to write about them for fear of criticism, judgement or hate mail. Either way, I know I should not be doing this. This blog is a means for me to let go of thoughts and feelings that I may be having. It's supposed to be a way for me to vent my frustrations. Talk about my feelings. Expose the soft under belly of my emotions, and yet here I sit. In constant fear that what I say may be taken the wrong way or may offend someone. When did I start caring what you people thought? Wait, that sounded bad. I have always cared what you thought. I just never cared if it offended or upset someone. I had to write my feelings and lately I have just not been doing this. I find it hard to write about these deep feelings that torment or bother me. I never used to. It's as if I have lost my muse or if my muse is taking a vacation. Either way, I wish it would come back. For your sake AND mine. I thought my muse was a person or tangible object until I was in the Loony Bin for a stretch. I learned in there that my muse was something else. Something intangible. Something spiritual. Perhaps the medications I have been on are suppressing my muse. Perhaps it's there, just trapped in some sort of strange Machiavellian, mental prison. The only release can come from within me. I suppose stopping the medication might help but I would really rather not risk that. I do believe that the medicines I am taking are helping me in ways that I cannot explain. The medicine coupled with a newly formed relationship with AA. I am not divulging any secrets when I say that I am a member of AA. What may be of interest to many of you is that after I got sober the first time around, I stopped going to meetings when I thought I had the disease licked. Turns out the disease can manifest itself in many other ways besides just a need for drinking. The disease is about ego. It's about control. It's about pride. It's about dishonesty. All of which I struggled with during my "sober" period. I put quotations around sober because I was not working a sober program during this time. I had not done the steps. I had not lived the program. I did not have a higher power that I turned my will and my life over to for taking proper care. I have this now. I think I am a different man than I was as little as 3 months ago. I know I am a different man than I was 1 year ago. This is a very liberating feeling. Having a sponsor, working the steps, living the program and staying sober are all things that have made me a better man. I am still far from perfect. I am still far from even being really good. I just know that I have learned from my mistakes and am doing what it takes to be that better man. It just sucks that I am doing it with out my muse. Gotta find it. I really do.

It's 1 AM, I Must Be Lonely...

Actually, I'm not all that lonely, I just thought that sounded good. Since it is 1 am. And I am the only one up around the house so I guess in that regard, I am lonely. Just felt like writing. Don't really know what this blog will be about yet so bear with me.... I suppose I could recap this glorious day for you... Well, sort of. I think this will just be a rambling of unrelated things that will include some descriptions of today's activities along with random thoughts. Random thought number one being that the most recent blood work I have had done has showed me to be in markedly improved health overall. With my continuing weight loss, I am reaping other benefits i.e. lower bad cholesterol, lower blood pressure, higher good cholesterol. Gee.... Isn't it funny that the doctor told me if I lost weight and took care of myself that stuff would happen like that and there it is happening. Weird how that works, eh? As part of this healthy living, one of my favorite things to do is hike with Vivian. We did that today. Granted, it was just a trip around the Park of Canals, but we went all the way to the back and turned over about 100 rocks to look for scorpions. Found a lot of termites and some ants but no scorpions. After the exercise, I broke out the disposable, table-top grill and we proceeded to picnic. A good time was had. Her day stayed busy as she and her friend McKenna got whisked away to the drive-in movies by their respective paternal grandmothers for the double feature of "Inkheart" and "Hotel for Dogs." My day stayed physical as I helped a friend move some heavy things around. Always a popular and fun-filled activity. Especially when you bleed. Vivian got home at 11:30pm! Waaaaaaaaay past bedtime but the girls had fun so Daddy overlooked the late hour. After our bedtime routine and a quick game of "flashlight" she was down for the count. Sleeping hard inside of 4 minutes. And here I am. Wide awake at 1 am. Wondering what else to write about. I have nothing more. I have bored you enough. I promise, next one will be interesting. Please, hold me to it!

To My Good Friend, I Say Goodbye....

It is rare in this life when you get to meet people like Matt Hill. This was a man who it will always be a pleasure to have known. Always had a smile. Always had something nice to say about anyone he knew or even didn't know. He was a gentle giant who could soothe even the meanest soul. Matt was a great friend and a dear member of the human race. He passed away just this past Saturday from complications with his testicular cancer that he had only recently been diagnosed with. One of those freak things that is not supposed to happen to someone so young. Not to someone I know. Not to someone with whom I shared a stage with more than once. Most memorably was West Side Story. Watching someone the size of Matt gracefully dancing across the stage was a sight to behold. He did it, though. With his patented smile all the way. Someone I double-dated with in High School is not supposed to die. Matt and I were taken to Sadie Hawkins with our respective dates back in the day. We got in trouble for getting up in rotation to check the score of the NCAA Championship Basketball game that was taking place the same night of the dance. We were at the Spaghetti Company on Mill Ave. in Tempe. I will never forget that even though that restaurant is no longer there. Even as I write this, I find it hard to get the words out that I want. How do you write about someone so magnanimous without over-simplifying their life? You can't. You just find strength and comfort in the fact that Matt was a very spiritual man dedicated to his religion and God and you know he is on a better plane of existence now. Matt, we may not have seen each other in a few years but I will never forget you. You touched my life in ways that few have. You taught me a lot. These lessons I will cherish and never let go unheeded. I know you are in a better place. God speed, my good friend, as you slip the surly bonds of earth. You are missed.

Seems Like Yesterday...

I know. I know. For a blog about my daughter turning 8 years old, the title is a tad cliche'. Nothing else fits exactly how I feel right at this very moment. So please, bear with the cliche' and come with me on a journey through the life of an amazing young girl. Vivian was born January 19, 2001. My little angel. She brought so much joy into my life the minute she was puked out. Now before you get upset at my choice of words, you must understand that she was actually pushed out during a puking jag by her mother. The doctor actually said the puking made it happen. It was funny and touching and beautiful all at once. There was only one moment when there was any panic about her health. A nurse said she was not responding to audio stimuli so they were concerned she could not hear. She, very quickly, corrected that thought when she started to respond just fine. I like to think it was a precursor to the many years of selective hearing that Vivian has mastered at her tender age. She was a good baby. Very regular about her feeding times. She slept well and hit all of her milestones either right on time or early. I do need to qualify the sleeping well part with the statement that she slept well when she was damn good and ready. If there was ANYTHING going on that might even be slightly interesting, she would not fall asleep. It did have to be quiet for her to fall asleep. Once asleep she slept like, well, a baby. She was a good smiler and was always ready to entertain. She had charm even as an infant. Her first words were "Wass dat?". She was so curious. Wanted to know what everything was. Her "what's that?" attitude carried all the way through to today. She is a very curious and alert child. Let's not forget, though, that curiosity killed the cat and she has had her share of close calls. Her curiosity with her own waste led to a few clean ups of the crib and surrounding walls. Her curiosity with animals and love of them has gotten her close to getting bit, scratched or torn apart on more than one occasion. It has also made her a bright, well-adjusted, smart little kid and I am proud of her for that. I have so much to be proud of when it comes to my little princess that I could fill up pages and pages. Literally. She is empathetic, smart, polite, cute, understanding, inquisitive and so on and so on... She blows me away. There are so many times I look at her and wonder what I did to deserve such a great kid. It makes me tear up when I think of how amazing she is and how close I came to missing this birthday. Vivian, baby, Daddy loves you. Always. Don't forget it, Miss V. You will always be my little punkinhead no matter what!!! I love you all the way to Pluto and back and then to infinity.....

Beating Yourself Hurts.... Let Someone Else Do It....

Okay, first of all let's get one thing straight. I am referring to beating yourself UP emotionally. Nothing else. And to be honest, I don't really recommend you let someone else do it to you. It just made for a snappy title. This blog is about the phenomena of torturing ourselves for our mistakes. It's something we all seem to do. Some, like myself, more than others. I am still slicing away at whatever dignity I have left for my recent transgressions and it is SO very hard not to. The nice thing is, I have friends that have my back. Friends who are there for me. People who keep telling me to stop the madness. Stop the torture. It is over and done. You must move on. Truth be told, I have moved on in so many ways. I really have. Certain aspects of what I had done no longer bother me due to the circumstances surrounding them. I can truly say that I am not beating myself up for many of my missteps and mistakes. There are just a few hangers on that are still getting at me. These mainly have to do with my attempts on my life. How selfish was I? How stupid was I being? Was what I had done worth that? The answers to these questions are simple: Very, Very, an NO!!! This is so painfully obvious and yet here I am still pondering it. I guess when you do something as stupid as what I did, you just find it hard to let it go. You are embarrassed. You are ashamed. I have wonderful people around me reminding me to stop with those feelings. It ain't easy. Not at all. Gotta be done, though.

The Year In Review..... Yeah Right!!!!

I cannot, in good conscience, bore and/or depress the Hell out of you people by doing a review of my experiences during the year of our Lord, 2008. I will, however, proselytize on some of the high and low times. This way I can discuss what I have learned, make you smile and maybe, just maybe, make you think. The year was marked with a great deal of turmoil. Amidst the turmoil, though, I managed to have some of the best times with Vivian that I think I have ever had. I cannot even count how many wonderful hikes we went on where we just zoned out and tuned into nature together. We had so many wonderful hikes in Usery Mountain Park where we identified animal tracks and examined poop!! My delicate little "Fashion Queen" telling me the difference between coyote and dog poop is a memory I will have for a very long time. Watching her grow and blossom over this last year has caused my head to spin on many occasions. The fart noises, the tickle tortures, the fashion shows, the dancing/singing concerts, the walks, the hikes.... All of it was just so incredible. Showing her a centipede for the first time and watching her perform in her 2nd Grade play were 2 highlights I won't soon forget. She is such an amazing spirit. She is such an attitude queen. She is her Father's Daughter. In addition to the wonderful and plentiful memories of Vivian over the last year, there were also some personal lows that I experienced. Up to and including my attempts at taking my own life. These were lows, yes. They were VERY dark times in my life that were the end result of a lot of dishonesty and poor self-esteem. The positive? Is there any? Yes. I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about those around me. I learned a lot about those closest to me. I learned that I need to love myself before I can even pretend to love someone else. This includes family and friends. I have always liked myself. Just never learned to love me. I am learning. One Day At A Time. It's hard to love yourself when you are not the person you think you should be. The fact is, you have to find a way to love yourself unconditionally. I am learning to do this by modeling my self-love (sounds kinky) after the unconditional love I have for my daughter (not so kinky). I am having to teach myself this skill. It should be second nature, like breathing. I am getting there. I started by remaining positive over the Christmas season. I continue to do it by losing more weight and eating healthier. It's amazing what a drop in jean sizes can do for the old self-love. I learned over this past year that when all is said and done, you only have yourself to blame when things go bad. You make certain choices and you must accept the choices you have made. Accepting the choices means accepting the outcome and then, moving on. It has been a wild ride of a year for me. Too many ups and downs to count and recount. Suffice it to say, it has been a pivotal year in my life and I look forward to what 2009 has in store. I hope you are all able to reflect with a smile on at least some part of your past year and are especially able to look as forward as I am to the next!!! Happy New Year!!!!

Is It Over Yet....?

Christmas is over. Wow. Even as I type those few words, I realize how very sad the statement is. It's all over for another year and we are to go right into making resolutions and celebrating the passing of one year and welcome a New Year. I don't know if I am ready for it to be over yet. I made a promise to myself that I was going to avoid my usual "Bah Humbug" attitude and not be a grinch this year and I fulfilled that promise. I did it despite others around me and not around me trying very hard to drag me down. There was a lot of terrible news and incidents that took place around the country this year, including some local, that made it hard to see the Christmas Spirit at work. I looked far and wide and I looked right in my own backyard for that Spirit and although it was hard, at times, I found it. I found it in my daughter's smile. Amazing, huh? Something so small. Yet bigger than life itself. I also found it in the fact that I continued my quest for better health and instead of gaining weight over the holidays, I lost more. The 38's are starting to get too loose now. May be down to a 36 by the end of the month, God willing. I stayed sober over the holidays. Been able to do it in past years but somehow, this year seemed sweeter. I managed to move on. From so many things. All of these reasons showed me the Spirit. They helped me stay positive in this time that for so long was a negative time for me. A time that very well could have been negative this time around due to recent events in my life. I didn't let it get negative, though. That is the embodiment of the Spirit right there if you ask me!!!!!

Merry Christmas!!

Just wanted to take a short minute and wish EVERYONE who reads my words a Merry Christmas. Regardless of who you are, how you came to read my writing, whether you like me or not. I want you all to have a Merry Christmas. It is great that this is the one time of year that I can say something to everyone, no matter who they are, and mean it. Most of my writing effects just a few people or is directed at a segment of readers who I am trying to reach but this short note goes out to all. Every last one of you. I know I plan to have a great Christmas. It will be hectic with trying desperately to coordinate schedules and be with which family members at whose house at what time but I will be busy making the best of it with a smile on my face. I have to. I am lucky to be around this Christmas. I almost wasn't. I have so much to be thankful for that I am going to make this year a Grinch free Christmas. And in doing so for myself, I am going to wish the same for everyone else. People, love the ones around you. Thank God for the season. Celebrate the birth of Our Saviour with vim and vigor. Love those who can't be around you. Love those who have done wrong. They need it, too. This is the time of year when we can put aside our differences for just a few minutes and wish someone a Merry Christmas that we may not have otherwise. It's time, people. This is the time. If the Reason for the Season has taught us anything, it is that "To err is human, to forgive is divine." This does not wipe the slate clean for those we have done wrong to or who have wronged us. It just gives us a moment to put aside the wrongs and give a healthy, hearty Merry Christmas to those who could really use it. Sinners gots feelin's, too. Okay, I have rambled enough. I was just going to say Merry Christmas and I ended up preaching. Well, you know me. Merry Christmas to all. Please enjoy your Holidays. Please enjoy your families and friends. Please enjoy the giving and the receiving. Please enjoy the Reason for the Season!!! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

More Wisdom From A Wise Man....

I certainly hope you did not assume that I was speaking about myself in the title. I am "Trivial Pursuit" smart. I know my English. Been down a few roads, but I ain't no WISE MAN..... I thank you for thinking of me that way but, alas, I am speaking of Spencer Tracy. Actually, his character in "Inherit the Wind," Henry Drummond, gave us the wisdom I am about to impart. So, I guess that means the screenwriter should actually get the credit...... Aw, to Hell with it..... Spencer said it, so deal with it. He was asked by his friend why they had grown apart after all of the years. How had he strayed so far from the friendship? His response was classic, timeless and very wise. He stated, "Perhaps it is you, my friend, who has moved away by standing still." Pearls people. This is what I am all about. Now, I know you are wondering what this has to do with the price of tea in China... Well, if you read my most recent blog, you read a touching take on moving on. The final thought was about moving forward and how it cannot be achieved by standing still. Still wondering where I am going with this? It's okay. I am too. I gotta be honest with y'all, when I started this I was fairly certain I had a direction... Let me see.... What was I thinking...? Expounding on the standing still vs. moving forward..... Oh, okay!!!! I know!!!! How can you move forward when something always seems to take you a step or two back. It can be something you have control over or not. Whatever it is, it impedes your progress. Just when you thought you were ready to start the race, you get pulled back. Someone grabs the back of your shirt and yanks you off the starting line. Seemingly for no reason whatsoever. It's weird, isn't it? Always seems to happen that way. Another thing happens when you are trying to take those first few steps and get going. You look around you and see everything else moving so goddamn fast you wonder how you will ever keep up. You become almost discouraged. Afraid to start. Feeling like things are so stacked against you why even take the first step. You will only get passed up. Or fall down. Or get pulled off the track by something. It's hard to move forward. So very hard. You just have to do it. It's part of life. You have to let someone or something pull you off the starting point just to humble you now and then. The key is to shake it off and get going. You cannot worry about all of the other influences around you being faster. They are going to be. There always is someone or something faster than you. Simple as that. I was watching Vivian play with a friend of hers today. I had climbed a tree at the park while she and her friend were planting pine cones and it slapped me like a ton of bricks.... She is moving so much faster than me. I was reminded of an amaZing poem that I had committed to memory and would like to share with you.

"Nature's first green is gold.

Her hardest hue to hold.

Her early leaf's aflower,

but only so an hour.

Then leaf subsides to leaf,

so Eden sank to grief.

So dawn goes down to gray.

Nothing gold can stay.

- Robert Frost

This poem reminds us that life moves fast. We have to realize that every moment is precious but it moves quick. Savor it, but keep in mind that we must keep moving. Life is life. We have to live it on life's terms. Not ours. When we start thinking we can beat this thing called life, we will lose every time. We can watch it speed by but we need to do so as we are running. Not standing still. Standing still gets us nowhere. Literally. Let them pull on your shirt. Let them pass you by. "Slow and steady wins the race." Words to live by, my dear friends. Words to live by.

THEY Say, "Easy Come, Easy Go..." I Say Bullshit!!

Am I alone in my thinking here, folks? It just seems to me that there are situations in your life that come along easily. They may come easily but they are often the hardest to let go of and move on. Why is this? I think I have narrowed it down to 3 reasons why this may seem to be the case. I want to analyze them now. The first being the lazy factor. When a situation arises in your life that has required little to no effort on your part, it's kinda cool. Then it goes away and you worry it may never happen again. The converse of this is when it comes easy and then goes, you worry that because you did not have to earn the situation, you lost it because you didn't have to work for it. The third reason is just that letting go is always hard to do no matter what. This reason being, in my opinion, the most controversial. Let's discuss the lazy factor. I will use a metaphor to explain this one. A person is sitting around doing nothing of consequence when they get a phone call saying they won a prize. No effort. Just a random thing. They claim the prize and find that it is the most useful, helpful, and special prize they have ever gotten. Soon, though, they break it. Irreplaceable. Never get another. That has got to hurt. That has to be so intensely heartbreaking. You had it. You didn't expect or ask for it. You loved it. Then ya done gone and broke it. I would think that makes it VERY hard to let go. It came in without your doing and went out because of your doing. Oh sure, it was an accident. You don't regret it. It just happened that way. But letting go..... Not easy at all. In the second situation, you actually worked very hard at obtaining it. We can use the prize analogy again. You were diligent. Labored and sweat to make sure you won the prize. You win!! Was the winning by sheer tenacity enough to sustain your pleasure regardless of the outcome? What if you broke it? Hey, at least you tried? Is that the case or would it be devastating because you worked so hard? I would imagine anything worth working for would be hard to let go. The third situation is that letting go is always hard to do and you just need to accept that. I see a great deal of controversy here because letting go can be very easy and very cleansing, at times. Sometimes letting go is the best thing that can happen for you. It's not ALWAYS hard. The key to any kind of letting go is keeping your regrets in check. Let me repeat that. The key to letting go is keeping the regrets in check. You will have regrets. We all do. You just need to make sure that you do not allow them to consume you. No matter how hard it is to let something go, we MUST ensure we are letting go for the right reasons. Not to erase the regret, but to embrace it. Accept what you have done or not done and move on. It is the only sure fire way let go, absolutely. With this letting go comes forward progress, which should be the ultimate goal in all of our lives. It should go without saying that you can't get very far by standing still.

Is It Just Me.....

Well, I got it. I finally got it. The Flu. I think. It was no cold. I know a cold. What had me on my ass for two straight days, barley able to get out of bed had to be the dreaded Flu. You know, that illness you go and get a shot to prevent you from getting it. Never got one of them things. Never thought I needed it. Never had anyone just ask if I wanted one. Never imagined I would want one. Until this year. Three months ago I was asked during a routine office visit with the doctor. The nurse was tending to several other ailments and had me well distracted as she asked if I wanted a Flu shot. I was smack dab in the middle of a breathing test that I almost passed out from so I thought I would just err on the side of caution since I knew my health has been compromised of late. She stuck me and sent me on my way. I have always heard that they are injecting you with a mild strain of the virus that is supposed to protect you from getting the bad one. With this knowledge, I braced myself for some flu-like symptoms and maybe a little bout with the bug. Nada. Zilch. Zip. For three freakin' months. I don't think it would take three months for that shot to make it's way through my body. No fat jokes here folks, remember, I am not as big as I used to be. I think I just full on got me that flu. Don't know from whom. Can't figure from where. I just know that for the previous years that I have gone without this miracle shot, I managed to make it through each "flu season" without being a notch on it's proverbial head post. The year I decide to get the shot, I become Flu's bitch. Back-ache, lethargy, difficulty breathing, sore head, sore throat.... The whole works. It has been awful. I am slowly coming out of it. Just a little bit at a time. The symptoms seem to be dissipating one at a time on their own schedule. They all hit me at once. Now they gotta leave slowly and one at a time. That just figures. I can almost hear them laughing as they exit this way. "Okay.... heh heh.... now you go sore throat....heh heh.... but walk reeeeaaaaaallll sloooooooowwww.......heh heh....... Now, after sore throat leaves, lethargy, you wait 3 hours and then you sloooooowwwwwlllllyyyyy make your way out....heh heh...." Bastards!!!!! I can hear you!!!!!! Oh great, now I am talking to my symptoms..... Is that a symptom? Either way. I am sitting here typing to you now and telling you to rest assured, there is one man who will NOT be getting a Flu shot next year. Yes, you guessed it. Me. No way. No how. I will take my chances.

Kids..... You Know I Love 'Em......

I keep getting reminded that Vivian is just a few years away from 13. In a month and 5 days, she will be exactly 5 years from this milestone. I want to take this opportunity to thank all of you who feel the need to remind me of this. Reminding me that when she hits 13, all Hell breaks loose. Literally. She will be overtaken by some kind of demon and no longer be my sweet little girl. Have you people forgotten that I taught Jr. High School? I know how these things work. I am already aware of the transformation that takes place in our children. Granted, my own child will be that nightmare times 1000, but I do not need the reminders. I am given little reminders and clues all of the time as to what is in store for me. I have been getting them for years. Let me explain. When she was just a tiny baby on up to a year old, I remember thinking, "I cannot wait until she can walk on her own." I thought how much less tired my arms would be. How great it would be to have her walk with me. Watching her walk to her Kindergarten class. I remember thinking this stuff. Then she could walk. Non-stop chasing her around the house. Running off too far ahead in a busy parking lot and scaring the shit out of me. Walking just far enough ahead, on purpose, at a crowded event to where I go into panic mode and give myself a coronary worrying about her. They all said when she was little and I wanted her to walk that I should be careful what I wish for.... Yeah.... Bite me!!! Then there was the excitement of her first words. The first thing I remember her saying coherently is "Wass dat?" She has not stopped asking questions since...... "Are chicken fingers really made from chicken's fingers, why are you so hairy, Daddy, why is Pluto not a planet anymore, what if a shark got into Grandma and Papa's pool, can McKenna play, why are you crying? Question after question. If I had known what came with the ability to talk, I would have not taught her English. Maybe Greek. Then, with the talking, there is also the advent and perfection of the negative response.... No, Not Fair, Never, Nope, Not Now, Now, Never mind. Ah, the long lost days of screaming and crying as a way to communicate. I really think I miss it. There was usually a reason for it and it could be taken care of. Now SHE has the answer for everything and I am the one crying and screaming. I remember getting so excited when you could actually see the voice recognition on her face when Daddy came into the room. Now I can't get her to recognize my voice at any volume level. To her, I am not only speaking a different language, but I am also saying it so quietly she cannot hear a word I say. It seems that things have gotten lost in translation. No means yes. Maybe means definitely. Now means whenever you get around to it. Please means....well, nothing. It is with all of this in mind that I say to you now, I have no expectations one way or the other for my little angel when she turns 13. If I expect the best, she will ensure that is not what happens. If I batten down the hatches for the worst, she will be the exception to the rule and not be all that bad. That is what I have learned. I have also learned that the sound of her laughing makes my heart smile. When she says "I Love You, Daddy," I melt away. I learned that she will always push her boundaries. That is how she grows. She is growing so freakin' fast. I think that is why all of the reminders of the fast approaching teen years get on my nerves. It's not that I don't want her to become 13. It's that I don't want her to grow up. It is all happening waaaaaayyyyy too fast. I know she has to. I know she wants to. I guess the good thing about that is that at least one of us will grow up. God knows I haven't yet.

Laugh!!!

How easily we forget. We refuse to remember that there are certain truths in this world. Sometimes we forget until it's too late. One of those truths is that laughter IS the best medicine. It can heal so many things. Conversely, laughter can cause damage if it is done AT someone but I am not focusing on this kind of laughter. I am focusing on the kind that heals. The kind that energizes. The kind that bonds. The kind that eases tension. We all need this kind of laughter. Desperately, it seems, at times. We fall into a rut and get down on ourselves or our situations. So far down, that it seems there is no way out. I am here to tell you that there is a way out. Laugh. Find a reason. Any reason. Turn on a movie that always works. Call a friend who can always make you laugh. Watch a TV show that you can laugh at or with. Watch those around you long enough. Someone is going to do something funny eventually. Make sure that you are open to laugh at it. Do something funny yourself! Laugh at yourself. You lose a lot of laughs if you can't laugh at your own folly. Sometimes we are the best source of our own laughter. I know I am. I say and do so much stupid/funny shit on a daily basis, it should be outlawed. Actually, I think it is in several countries. Hence, I don't travel much. Laughing is so easy to do. You just have to be open to it. I know that sometimes, things don't seem all that funny. This time of year with the stress, money issues, family tension etc. it seems especially hard to laugh. It is during these times that we really need to crank up our openness to laughter. Humor is everywhere. Tune in. Laugh. I promise, you will feel better. If you are bored, laugh. For no reason. It helps. If you are sad. Laugh. The sadness does not go away but at least for that short while, it's not in charge. You can start to heal faster if you just LAUGH!!!! I know that some people, like me, can use humor to an almost unhealthy level. This is mostly just unhealthy to the individual who does it though. The most damage it will do to those around them is causing a bladder control problem or a sore face. Neither of which are "bad" if laughter is what caused them. We need to collectively remember just how good laughing is for all of us. It is true that when you laugh the world laughs with you. Try it. I dare you!!!!

Riots, Recession and Corruption.... Oh My!!!

Ain't it a bitch? Just like I mentioned a few blogs back, this time of year is chock full of bad shit in the news that could easily make us lose sight of the true meaning of the season. Massive riots in Greece. A recession here at home and major political corruption in Illinois. It's enough to make you wonder what God has in store next this time of year. It's not enough that more people than ever are needing to hit the food banks. It's not enough that we still have soldiers being killed over there. It's just a part of the Big Picture, right? I know that sounds cynical but in a way, yes. We have to look at it that way. The riots in Greece. Damn shame what is going on over there. For being the birthplace of Democracy, there is an awful lot of nasty Police-State shit going down and the students and anarchists are exploiting it. Hence, bloody and violent riots. Don't see a quick end to this one folks. Recession here? Really? What was your first clue? The foreclosures? The repos? The job market? The down turn in all spending? Don't tell Grandma. She has gone over the top with V and the other girls this year as usual. As far as the corruption? Par for the course. Need a scandal this time of year, anyway. I feel bad for the folks from Illinois...... Nah, not really. What is important is that we stay focused. We think locally. We take care of what we can control. We smile a little more than usual. We say nice things to anyone who will listen. We love those closest to us just a little more than usual. We forgive. We extend a handshake and a Merry Christmas now and again. These are the things we are in control of. These are the the things we can do to keep our focus on the Reason for the Season. Keep it in mind folks. I know this was short but I hope it helped remind y'all of what you gotta do. I know it helped me. I have to do these things to keep my eyes on Jesus. The reason. God Bless and Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays and all that other crap..... Heh heh......

I Am Trying, I Mean, NOT Trying to Brag.....

It seems interesting to me. How much self-esteem can control how we feel all around. If our self-esteem is way down for some reason, we tend to be down on ourselves and subsequently down on everyone else. If we are feeling good about ourselves we tend to project a better mood. I recently got a big self-esteem boost so I hope it will translate to better moods all around. What is it that has boosted me? What has raised my spirits to the point of higher self-esteem? I fit into size 38 jeans. I know some are saying that I sound like a woman. Getting excited over jean sizes. Let me tell you folks something. The last time I wore 38 jeans, I was fresh out of High School and just starting my drinking career. After many years and many, many beers, I had managed to get myself big enough to need, at times, size 44 jeans. Over the last few years, I had gone back down to a steady 42. Now I am comfortable in a 38 Levi's Regular. Not Loose Fit. No, I am not turning into a woman and getting excited over some weight loss. I am just happy with myself that I have been trying to be more healthy and it is starting to show. With all of my health problems over the last few years and with all of the doctors saying the same thing about losing weight, it appears it has finally sunk in and started to take the proper effect. I have been trying to eat healthier. I have been walking more. I have cut down several things in my diet. Fast food and comfort food are no longer my staples. I actually have been able to force fruit down my gullet now and again. Drinking water a lot more than soda which has been the hardest thing to get used to. Anyone who knows me knows how much I freakin' LOVE soda. Dr. Pepper. Diet Pepsi. Sierra Mist. You name it, I love it. I have had to force myself to avoid them. It has been harder than ANYTHING I have tried to wean off of before. Quitting alcohol was so much easier. Water has been good to me though. It has quenched my thirst and come in handy when I was craving a soda. Just grab a bottle of Fiji Water instead of that Dr.P. Listen, I am the last person to preach about eating or drinking habits so I hope no one is taking it that way. I am just sharing what worked and is still working for me. Not trying to rub any one's nose in my success. Just want to share some good news for once. I am the poster boy for struggling with weight loss so I just thought maybe my good fortune could make someone else out there say, "Well, if fat ass can do it, I should be able to as well!!"

Fart Noises Are The Best...

Those of you that know me even slightly well know that I am not interested in bodily functions. Don't care to hear about your last bowel movement. Don't need to hear your nose being blown to pieces. Don't wanna look at the pus coming out of your recent surgery scar. Not stuff I like. Not stuff I want to discuss. Not stuff I care about in any way, shape, and/or form. This being said, I must throw in a caveat. An exception to the rule, as it were. Burping and farting. Nothing funnier than a well timed burp during a tense moment around the family dinner table on a holiday. No better way to enact revenge on a smart ass buddy than letting one rip from below in a closed up car on a hot Arizona day. Gas, for me, as a bodily function is okay. Where in the Hell am I going with this? What's the freakin' point? Well, I'll tell ya. Viv and I have had a great weekend this weekend but the highlight took place 15 minutes ago when she called me into the bathroom where she was taking a bath to show me how she makes fart noises with her rubber ducky...... I laughed so damn hard I think I hurt something. The look on her face when the sound came out louder than she or I had expected was priceless. I could do nothing but burst into a fit of laughter that caused me to strain something important. We did the Temple Lights. We saw Bolt. We hung out. I actually picked her up from school on Friday as a big surprise. We had Big Breakfast. We did Burger King. We had a great time swinging at the School Park. And what do you suppose we are both going to remember most about this weekend? The fart noises. They really were something else. Life-like!!!!! Good times, folks. It's the little things that make life worth living. I must remind myself everyday. I hope you guys do, too! Treasure the funny stuff. Hold onto to the laughs. One day, it will not be as funny. One day, it will all be gone. Kids grow up. We grow old (well, I need to grow up first, but I may get old one day...... speaking of, I let my hair grow out more than it has in 6 years a few weeks ago and discovered a great deal of gray..... I am too young for gray hair.....Oh shit, off the topic, as usual....). Fart noises will always be funny. So will burping. You just may not get as many chances to enjoy them when they are grown and gone.

"Let He That Is Without Sin...."

I've done a lot of bad shit in my life. Never murdered anyone. Just some bad shit. It is with this in mind that you must understand the following venting is kept in check. I do not want to come across as preachy. I refuse to sound "Holier Than Thou." I simply feel as though I need to get some things off of my chest that have been there for quite some time. Some have been harbored for many years. Some are recent. Doesn't matter. It really doesn't. If you are reading this and thinking it's about you, you are more than likely incorrect. Keep in mind, I have been trying to be so positive lately, that I almost forgot not all humans are capable of 24 hr happiness. I have anger issues. I have built up resentments. I have sadness. The trick is finding ways to release them in a healthy way. Venting on my blog without naming names and using as little foul language as possible seems, to me, to be a healthy way. Right? Tell me otherwise and I'll kick your ass..... Nah, not really. Okay then, let the ranting begin!!!! I guess my main beef when people relish in their shortcomings. Not only are they aware of the problems they have, they are almost proud of them. They wear them like a big Brownie button or Boy Scout badge. Now they only do this in certain company. Usually when it will benefit them in some way either directly and outwardly or indirectly and internally. They almost want everyone around to see just how bad they are but God forbid they be judged for it. They want they notoriety but they don't want to be notorious. They want to be famous when they are really heading towards becoming infamous. Some examples..... Henry Lee Lucas. Confessed to over 100 murders in Texas and across the country. Turned out, he had just committed 3. "Just" committed. I know. Sounds bad. Fact is, while he was playing head games with the police on all of these other murders he did not commit, the real killers were walking free. This is a man who has no conscience. No remorse. Does not feel the least bit of sympathy for the families of those victims he claimed to have killed. Not any concern for the families of the ones he DID kill either. O.J. Simpson. Need I say more? That man probably looked in the eyes of his own children and said he was innocent. No conscience. These are the type of people that just need to go away. These are extreme cases. We all have a few of these folks in our lives, they are just not capable of murder. They have no problem flaunting your pain in your face, though. I never relished in the pain I caused. I may have done it without conscience because of the way I am wired but I never relished in it. I never sat back and relived the moments that I did wrong and thought how great it was. If I can even think about ALL of the bad and stupid shit I have done, all I can do is cry about it. Real tears. Not the crocodile kind. Even though I am well on my way to healing, I must admit that I still have a great deal of difficult days. Reliving my wrongs. Wearing my hair shirt. I know I am not supposed to anymore. I guess I am just hard-wired for regret. The trick is, moving through it. Not relishing it. I will work on this. As well as ensuring that my days of the Bad Shit are over. Tall order. Has to be filled, though. I don't want to be like one of "those" people. I have to remember what I have done and LEARN from it so I NEVER do it again. God knows, I have a lot of learning to do. I'm gonna do it. ONE DAY AT A TIME! Okay. I feel better. Don't y'all????

I Am So Stoked About These New Songs....

I know, I know. I am pathetic. Third blog of the day. Second one about my goddamn music but I am sitting here on the computer just diggin' on my new music. Three songs are really kicking my ass with great thoughts. "Just Wait" by Blues Traveler, "Zor and Zam" by The Monkees and "Big Bad John" by Jimmy Dean. All three of these songs represent a different era of my life and are helping me to reflect on the great times I have had and why it is so important for me to fight my demons to ensure future great times! Have to start with "Big Bad John." Oh, the summers spent in the back seat of the station wagon driving across country with the fam. While it was happening, I thought I was in Hell. As I got older and reflected on all of the things I saw, things people I met and the music I listened to from the cassette player in that Buick, I realized how lucky I was that my folks chose that method of travel over flying. I would have never been exposed to so much and learned so many things. I also would have never been able to memorize a song that came out years before my parents were even married. Great song, great memories. Next is the very obscure but very powerful song "Zor and Zam." It was a little known song from one of the last Monkee's albums made and it was purely anti-war. The message of two great Kings calling for a war that no one shows up to was brilliant. It is hauntingly sung by Mickey Dolenz and it takes me back to an awkward time in most kid's lives but a time I treasure most. My early teens. Glasses, braces, headgear and acne be damned!!!! I still had a great time!!! The last song is "Just Wait." This one is a little more slow and actually came at a time in my life that was doused in booze. This song, when I heard it the first time, just grabbed my heart strings and pulled real hard. Did the same thing when I found it today. Same feelings all over again. It is a song of hope. A song of redemption. A song that reminds us that we are NOT the only ones with troubles and that if we just hold on for a little while longer, life can turn around in our favor. It's a simple message but one that we all seem to forget in times of stress, anger or sadness. I was always stressed, angry and sad when I was swimming in alcohol and so this song always reminded me that there was hope even for a miserable drunk such as myself. Sure enough, things got better. Took a while, but it always did. Especially now as I feel like I have hit what I hope to have been my last "rock bottom," I can listen to this song and fill myself with at least a glimmer of hope. That is always nice. Okay, I am done babbling about my new songs. Until the next batch of new music.......