To Err Is Human....

I have made a lot of mistakes in my life. A LOT. Some of the mistakes have been worse than others. Some of them did not even appear to be mistakes, but they were. No matter what degree they were, or how bad they were, or how small they were, they were mistakes. I am human. Fallible, by design. I could get all biblical on you people and site Chapter and Verse from the Good Book all of the references made to how prone we as humans are to making mistakes. Bad judgements. Doing bad things, in general. It wouldn't do me any good to rehash all of the Verses because y'all know them. Even those of you who are not all that religious. We have heard these sayings and have been exposed to most of them all of our lives. There is some truth in all of them, though. My favorite one is, "To err is human, to forgive is divine." I am not 100% sure where this quote came from and if I was industrious enough at this particular moment, I would try to find is by Googling it or something but I will just say it is an old and wise Proverb. It is a simple statement that means just what it says. To fuck things up is a human quality but to forgive those fuck ups is a Godly thing. It's as close as we can get to "playing God" without getting ourselves in trouble for it. Most of the time, when we try to play God, it is usually not for the right reasons or it is for our own gain. Forgiveness is never wrong and it is not usually for just our own good. Forgiveness is divine. The old Proverb says so. We need to see this for what it is. It is not a blanket "Free Pass" for those around us to do what they want and not expect consequences. It is a way for us to move on from the things that have been perpetuated upon us. It is a way for those who have wronged to reflect on what they have done and realize that it can NEVER happen again if they expect more forgiveness in the future. It is a way for those who have been wronged to purge their souls of hate and hurt that may be lingering. Hate and hurt are not good to have lurking on the inside of the human body. Okay, I just found out who said the quote. It was Alexander Pope. There, I feel better and I am sure y'all do too. Now I don't have to ask for Alexander Pope's forgiveness. But I am asking for anyone who reads this blog, that I have wronged somehow, for your forgiveness. I made a mistake. A huge mistake. A little mistake. Whichever it was and whoever you are. Is this really the way for me to get forgiveness? In some tacky form letter? It is probably not the best way for me to get the forgiveness I need. It is probably not right on so many levels but it is the only way I know to get it out there for all of those who I may have hurt or caused pain to without actually confronting them when they don't want to hear from me. I am at my amends step in AA and I am going to have to confront you people anyway. This is just a way for me to get the blow softened if that is possible. The more I type, the less I feel like this is a good idea. I am going to publish this anyway, but I want you people to know that it is being published with much trepidation. I guess I have to ask for your forgiveness for writing this now, eh?

Simplicity People.... Simplicity....

So the scene is something like this... A group of 30 somethings sit around a conference table with a phone in the center of the table. One of said people is talking to someone on the speaker phone when the person on the phone excuses himself and places our room of people on hold. Hold music is heard and our intrepid group all look at each other sheepishly. Next thing you know they break out into a mean game of musical chairs to the tinkling of the hold music. When our phone person returns, mayhem ensues as our group is sent darting for the chairs that remain. This is the premise for a Chili's commercial and is totally visual. I cannot do it justice in describing it in this medium but I must convey to you people that the first time I saw this commercial, I belly laughed. I have belly laughed on every subsequent viewing. The premise of this commercial is so damn simple. I am shocked that no one has done it before. I am even more shocked that the folks at Chili's and their ad agency came up with it. Not some sketch or comedic movie writer. Sometimes, the simplest of premises make up the funniest of situations. It never ceases to amaze me how true this is. In almost all aspects of life. Television, multimedia, radio, film. All of these mediums prove to us over and over again that the simpler you make something, the better it can be. The funnier. The easier. Simplicity. We try so hard these days to complicate everything. We over-analyze. We scrutinize. We beat a point to death. If we could just learn to simplify things that happen to us or in situations that we encounter on a day to day basis, I truly believe we would be much happier people in general. There is an old acronym that I believe started in the sales world. K.I.S.S. It stands for Keep It Simple Stupid. Not the friendliest way to put it but one way to put it nonetheless. We need to clear our heads and get back to basics. Down to the nitty gritty. Stop making things too important. This is going to be a short one people. It has taken me quite some time to print this from conception and I am not quite sure why.... Probably thought about it too hard.... See what I mean????!!!!!

Has Anyone Seen My Muse....?

It's strange. I have not written anything in quite some time. The strange part? I have had nothing to write about. There was a time when these babies used to come flowing out of me like lava from a volcano and now I can't find anything to write about that seems to be worth a damn. Not like I'm not trying either. I really am. I think the problem is I am censoring myself too much. I keep thinking of topics and then I decide not to write about them for fear of criticism, judgement or hate mail. Either way, I know I should not be doing this. This blog is a means for me to let go of thoughts and feelings that I may be having. It's supposed to be a way for me to vent my frustrations. Talk about my feelings. Expose the soft under belly of my emotions, and yet here I sit. In constant fear that what I say may be taken the wrong way or may offend someone. When did I start caring what you people thought? Wait, that sounded bad. I have always cared what you thought. I just never cared if it offended or upset someone. I had to write my feelings and lately I have just not been doing this. I find it hard to write about these deep feelings that torment or bother me. I never used to. It's as if I have lost my muse or if my muse is taking a vacation. Either way, I wish it would come back. For your sake AND mine. I thought my muse was a person or tangible object until I was in the Loony Bin for a stretch. I learned in there that my muse was something else. Something intangible. Something spiritual. Perhaps the medications I have been on are suppressing my muse. Perhaps it's there, just trapped in some sort of strange Machiavellian, mental prison. The only release can come from within me. I suppose stopping the medication might help but I would really rather not risk that. I do believe that the medicines I am taking are helping me in ways that I cannot explain. The medicine coupled with a newly formed relationship with AA. I am not divulging any secrets when I say that I am a member of AA. What may be of interest to many of you is that after I got sober the first time around, I stopped going to meetings when I thought I had the disease licked. Turns out the disease can manifest itself in many other ways besides just a need for drinking. The disease is about ego. It's about control. It's about pride. It's about dishonesty. All of which I struggled with during my "sober" period. I put quotations around sober because I was not working a sober program during this time. I had not done the steps. I had not lived the program. I did not have a higher power that I turned my will and my life over to for taking proper care. I have this now. I think I am a different man than I was as little as 3 months ago. I know I am a different man than I was 1 year ago. This is a very liberating feeling. Having a sponsor, working the steps, living the program and staying sober are all things that have made me a better man. I am still far from perfect. I am still far from even being really good. I just know that I have learned from my mistakes and am doing what it takes to be that better man. It just sucks that I am doing it with out my muse. Gotta find it. I really do.

It's 1 AM, I Must Be Lonely...

Actually, I'm not all that lonely, I just thought that sounded good. Since it is 1 am. And I am the only one up around the house so I guess in that regard, I am lonely. Just felt like writing. Don't really know what this blog will be about yet so bear with me.... I suppose I could recap this glorious day for you... Well, sort of. I think this will just be a rambling of unrelated things that will include some descriptions of today's activities along with random thoughts. Random thought number one being that the most recent blood work I have had done has showed me to be in markedly improved health overall. With my continuing weight loss, I am reaping other benefits i.e. lower bad cholesterol, lower blood pressure, higher good cholesterol. Gee.... Isn't it funny that the doctor told me if I lost weight and took care of myself that stuff would happen like that and there it is happening. Weird how that works, eh? As part of this healthy living, one of my favorite things to do is hike with Vivian. We did that today. Granted, it was just a trip around the Park of Canals, but we went all the way to the back and turned over about 100 rocks to look for scorpions. Found a lot of termites and some ants but no scorpions. After the exercise, I broke out the disposable, table-top grill and we proceeded to picnic. A good time was had. Her day stayed busy as she and her friend McKenna got whisked away to the drive-in movies by their respective paternal grandmothers for the double feature of "Inkheart" and "Hotel for Dogs." My day stayed physical as I helped a friend move some heavy things around. Always a popular and fun-filled activity. Especially when you bleed. Vivian got home at 11:30pm! Waaaaaaaaay past bedtime but the girls had fun so Daddy overlooked the late hour. After our bedtime routine and a quick game of "flashlight" she was down for the count. Sleeping hard inside of 4 minutes. And here I am. Wide awake at 1 am. Wondering what else to write about. I have nothing more. I have bored you enough. I promise, next one will be interesting. Please, hold me to it!

To My Good Friend, I Say Goodbye....

It is rare in this life when you get to meet people like Matt Hill. This was a man who it will always be a pleasure to have known. Always had a smile. Always had something nice to say about anyone he knew or even didn't know. He was a gentle giant who could soothe even the meanest soul. Matt was a great friend and a dear member of the human race. He passed away just this past Saturday from complications with his testicular cancer that he had only recently been diagnosed with. One of those freak things that is not supposed to happen to someone so young. Not to someone I know. Not to someone with whom I shared a stage with more than once. Most memorably was West Side Story. Watching someone the size of Matt gracefully dancing across the stage was a sight to behold. He did it, though. With his patented smile all the way. Someone I double-dated with in High School is not supposed to die. Matt and I were taken to Sadie Hawkins with our respective dates back in the day. We got in trouble for getting up in rotation to check the score of the NCAA Championship Basketball game that was taking place the same night of the dance. We were at the Spaghetti Company on Mill Ave. in Tempe. I will never forget that even though that restaurant is no longer there. Even as I write this, I find it hard to get the words out that I want. How do you write about someone so magnanimous without over-simplifying their life? You can't. You just find strength and comfort in the fact that Matt was a very spiritual man dedicated to his religion and God and you know he is on a better plane of existence now. Matt, we may not have seen each other in a few years but I will never forget you. You touched my life in ways that few have. You taught me a lot. These lessons I will cherish and never let go unheeded. I know you are in a better place. God speed, my good friend, as you slip the surly bonds of earth. You are missed.

Seems Like Yesterday...

I know. I know. For a blog about my daughter turning 8 years old, the title is a tad cliche'. Nothing else fits exactly how I feel right at this very moment. So please, bear with the cliche' and come with me on a journey through the life of an amazing young girl. Vivian was born January 19, 2001. My little angel. She brought so much joy into my life the minute she was puked out. Now before you get upset at my choice of words, you must understand that she was actually pushed out during a puking jag by her mother. The doctor actually said the puking made it happen. It was funny and touching and beautiful all at once. There was only one moment when there was any panic about her health. A nurse said she was not responding to audio stimuli so they were concerned she could not hear. She, very quickly, corrected that thought when she started to respond just fine. I like to think it was a precursor to the many years of selective hearing that Vivian has mastered at her tender age. She was a good baby. Very regular about her feeding times. She slept well and hit all of her milestones either right on time or early. I do need to qualify the sleeping well part with the statement that she slept well when she was damn good and ready. If there was ANYTHING going on that might even be slightly interesting, she would not fall asleep. It did have to be quiet for her to fall asleep. Once asleep she slept like, well, a baby. She was a good smiler and was always ready to entertain. She had charm even as an infant. Her first words were "Wass dat?". She was so curious. Wanted to know what everything was. Her "what's that?" attitude carried all the way through to today. She is a very curious and alert child. Let's not forget, though, that curiosity killed the cat and she has had her share of close calls. Her curiosity with her own waste led to a few clean ups of the crib and surrounding walls. Her curiosity with animals and love of them has gotten her close to getting bit, scratched or torn apart on more than one occasion. It has also made her a bright, well-adjusted, smart little kid and I am proud of her for that. I have so much to be proud of when it comes to my little princess that I could fill up pages and pages. Literally. She is empathetic, smart, polite, cute, understanding, inquisitive and so on and so on... She blows me away. There are so many times I look at her and wonder what I did to deserve such a great kid. It makes me tear up when I think of how amazing she is and how close I came to missing this birthday. Vivian, baby, Daddy loves you. Always. Don't forget it, Miss V. You will always be my little punkinhead no matter what!!! I love you all the way to Pluto and back and then to infinity.....

Beating Yourself Hurts.... Let Someone Else Do It....

Okay, first of all let's get one thing straight. I am referring to beating yourself UP emotionally. Nothing else. And to be honest, I don't really recommend you let someone else do it to you. It just made for a snappy title. This blog is about the phenomena of torturing ourselves for our mistakes. It's something we all seem to do. Some, like myself, more than others. I am still slicing away at whatever dignity I have left for my recent transgressions and it is SO very hard not to. The nice thing is, I have friends that have my back. Friends who are there for me. People who keep telling me to stop the madness. Stop the torture. It is over and done. You must move on. Truth be told, I have moved on in so many ways. I really have. Certain aspects of what I had done no longer bother me due to the circumstances surrounding them. I can truly say that I am not beating myself up for many of my missteps and mistakes. There are just a few hangers on that are still getting at me. These mainly have to do with my attempts on my life. How selfish was I? How stupid was I being? Was what I had done worth that? The answers to these questions are simple: Very, Very, an NO!!! This is so painfully obvious and yet here I am still pondering it. I guess when you do something as stupid as what I did, you just find it hard to let it go. You are embarrassed. You are ashamed. I have wonderful people around me reminding me to stop with those feelings. It ain't easy. Not at all. Gotta be done, though.